Russia, Ukraine & The Politics of it all

It was the early 1990s. I was in a boarding school. Life was simple and routine; until the day the “Mandal Commission” reservations were announced. Suddenly there was a disruption to the daily rhythm. We could not venture out of the hostel premises, not even to the school building. Classes were held in the hostel and meals were served in the quadrangle of the building. Social media was non-existent and being in a boarding school meant that information we had was very limited. There was no way we knew about the large-scale protests and self-immolations occurring around the nation. All we knew was that educational institutions were asked to be closed and our institution was trying their best to continue our education. Then one fine day the protestors realised that we were all still at school. Before violence erupted, the authorities packed us all home.

Alas, today Volodymyr Zelenskyy does not have the option of evacuating the Ukrainian citizens away to a safe home. They are fighting hard and heroically to save their way of life and their harbour of livelihood. Social media, television news, newspapers; they are all filled with stories of terror, courage and generosity of the civilians and armed forces of the attacked nation. Global leaders have imposed heavy sanctions and have had a dialogue with the aggressor as well. Yet the bombings and raging continue. I can only imagine the anxiety and worry of the Ukrainians and those with loved ones there. What I cannot still get my hands around is why this conflict.

I have read enough to understand that Ukraine is a great treasure trove of natural reserves and arable land. Historically, the interest of Russia in “owning” this part of the world is also something I am aware of. People have told me how the fear of the country joining NATO means Russia will have missiles targeted on it from its own borders. Yet I do not get the kind of invasion that has been launched. Yes, Russia can own the ore and the land. That could be done via trade treaties as well. Africa and Latin Amercia have seen these in abundance. A victory for Russia will satisfy its ego and pride of extending its empire. But was there an EU like solve plausible? I do not know, and acknowledge that for the said ambition a coalition may not be the perfect answer. Lastly of course, if real, with Ukraine surrendering the NATO threat will be annihilated. The last two achievements may come but at what cost? The cost of leaving a legacy of violence, decades of unrest, famine, economic downfall, and travesty all around! How is this even remotely rationale! But then there are certain styles of leadership that do not rely on rationality or compassion at all. They depend on achieving the end result, whatever maybe the price and whoever may have to render it as long as it is not them.

Every nation has the right to protect and defend its borders and govern its citizens so that there is a balance maintained across economic, cultural, and historic planes. We have seen recent, widespread discomfort in two large democracies of the world with the decisions of the government and the leader of the nation. The anti-views have largely hinged on human rights and liberal thought. The pro views have taken the approach of preserving what is core to the country and to a group of people fearing displacement and disenfranchisement.  Both have a viewpoint that could have been balanced but instead have polarised the populations. Yet these issues have been internal, creating discomfort and tilts of power within the borders of these democracies. None created a situation of endangering the lives of neighbouring civilians. While not ideal they are still matters that are not taking us back to ages of Genghis Khan and Alexander where it was power and loot that extended national boundaries.

All the happenings that I am writing of highlight the importance of leadership and the onus on citizens to elect the right leaders, to hold them accountable, and to ensure that we leave a world that is better than today for our children. We already have the environmental degradation that threatens the survival of the planet. Now with hostility and war we may just be either hastening the end of the earth or making the survival unpalatable. Once again, is this the legacy that we want to leave for the generations that may come after?

I consider myself a cautiously optimistic individual and believe that there is a likelihood that the sanctions will stop this madness. The fervent hope that this invasion stops is also so that there is no China – Taiwan next or a furthering of the Russian empire agenda. While change is the only constant and we must be prepared to deal with situations that come our way, I believe that we can also affect change and improve the situations that some our way. So today, it is more than ever that we have a moral obligation to think hard of how to render our responsibility of electing those who would govern with rationality and compassion, how can we hold those who we elect accountable to us and how can the world come together to live in harmony even when we have our myriad differences. Maybe it is time that I personally end my indifference to polity, or I will be the biggest hypocrite and culprit around. To quote Albert Einstein – “The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it.”

 

Politics and the senselessness of it all

Of late I have found myself writing more than I have in the last couple of years. Let me rephrase, I am posting a lot more, not writing, because I am now writing of things that I am comfortable sharing. There have been research pieces and thought pieces that I have written in the last couple of years that unfortunately I am hesitant to share in public because I was advised that I sometimes write on topics so controversial that posting in my own name may not be good for me professionally. So, taking that advise I have been selective on what I have posted.

One of the many topics that has interested me over the years has been history. Another one has been politics. In fact, I started writing this blog because I was so frustrated with the affairs of governance of my second home city in the world, London. Well, I will admit that I was a Boris Johnson supporter then. Don’t judge me, hindsight is always 20/20. I then covered the Indian elections for a US website, and I had some very firm views as well. But over the course of the last decade, this is the first time I find myself completely disinterested in politics. I am not indifferent. I am just not drawn to discussions or to writing of what I think. And that is what I want to write about today. Why am I suddenly so disinterested in the polity of the world?

Can anyone point out a single speech, given by a single world leader barring maybe Angela Merkel that talks of thought leadership or is toned with dignity and grace? I would love to hear or read something in that shape and form. The last that I could remember the same was when he had a PV Narasimha Rao, an Atal Bihari Vajpayee, a Lady Thatcher, a Barrack Obama and most recently a Merkel. Of course, this is in my opinion that they had thought leadership and grace and dignity. That some of their decisions may not be right is not the point of contention. Yet slander, arrogance and crassness were not their methodology. I can say the same for Arun Shourie who I had the chance of hearing in person and meeting in person too. It left a great mark on me, a mark of an intellectually honest and dignified politician. The question I am asking now is if he actually is a politician!

Let me leave out the entire four years of oratory of the orange. I think we can all agree that it sometimes stymied the mind into numbness; but we must respect that there was a voting population that liked that agenda or propaganda whatever you may call it. If I want to be heard, then they deserve their voice too. If it soaked my brain with chloroform, it was my problem and mine to deal with. Those who thought otherwise definitely had the right to elect the leader they thought fit. However, I remained uninspired and well that was away from the shores of this ancient land called India. So let me examine what has happened here…

Let me start with the engineer. Someone who started as the representative of the educated middle class wanting to change the system from within. Educated at a premier institute of the nation he showed the light for the youth. Maybe there was hope but then he won the capital city state of India in a turn of events that was less than dignified. Yet the fact that he gave the historically powerful a run for their money is commendable. I would have thought that his first term, sitting in the opposition, would not only have been more graceful but may also have had provided a ground for training. That did not happen. Instead, now in these elections, the man has gone completely senseless. His latest remarks had me scratching my head for a while and I still did not see what he wanted to convey other than sway the public by calling himself the disciple of a freedom fighter. He was retorting to alleged allegations of him being called a terrorist and said that just like the British called the great Bhagat Singh a terrorist. the corrupt politicians of the country were calling him, a disciple of Bhagat Singh a terrorist.

So here are my questions to him – what are the ideals of Bhagat Singh that he has deployed to date? How come the fact that he considers Bhagat Singh a guru only being propagated today? Allegations of corruption have been made against him as well. He is also a politician. So, is he saying he is calling himself a terrorist? And then his tweet calls himself a “sweet terrorist”. Really! This is because he claims to have done a lot of work on education and healthcare. If that were the case, then why did the state of Delhi suffer severe oxygen shortage in the second wave, and he could only finger pointing but not secure oxygen for hospitals starving patients of their breath! Let me forget the past. For the current elections, why is there no discussion on the statistical improvement done and how that will be implemented in the next states where his party is fighting for elections. All this emotional barfing is no different from what we have done since years to confuse the electorate! What had emerged as a potential beacon of hope was just a shooting star that has lost its shine and been enveloped in the darkness of the universe that it floats in.

Next in line are our great leaders from the political party that has a family legacy. The total discord and discontent in that family run party is now well known and the intelligent minds are somewhere idling in the background as the next generation is trying to use the family name and fame to influence the voters once again. But look at how their comments shape up –Punjab should be run by Punjabis but UP people are not interested in coming and ruling Punjab! Really, we want someone to “rule” someone in this day and age! Their mindset is still as if they were the rulers and the rest of the citizens the subjects. Have they really forgotten that this is a socialist, sovereign, democratic republic! What more can be an insult to the constitution of this nation whose first PM was the family and party patriarch! But the emotional electorate does not notice the nuance. Unfortunately, my analytical pea sized brain does and gets fogged all over again.

While this party talks about the current party in power dividing on basis of religion they have adopted divide and conquer on their own agenda. Just that they are camouflaging it as women empowerment. Free rides for women passenger in government buses and 40% reservation for government jobs is nothing but luring a gender based on promises that have weak economic basis and potential to fracture the society on yet another level which is gender. While I may have to content that all politics is luring the vote bank; what irks me the most is the very emotionally twisted mythology loaded delivery of the message. While clamouring that there is a rise of Hindutva, they use the same Hindu mythology to demonise the current government. Double standards like this once again misses the masses whose emotions are heightened, and I am stumped by this irony.

These speeches and promises are not all serious. The next one had me in splits. This is from the so called third front, an unsaid coalition of sorts of all other parties who would like to make it to the governing seats and earn their share too. One of the leaders said the following – a train with 70 seats takes 300 passengers and is not fined so why is there a fine if there are three people on a bike? The man in question went ahead to promise that if his party was voted in then they would allow three people on bike to ride else fine the trains! I am still laughing out loud. I mean centre of gravity, space, road safety, none of this comes to mind of anyone writing or hearing this speech. Just use any analogy to make a statement that can be inciting! That seems to be the way that every politician approaches interactions with the citizens.

And lastly it comes down to those who were voted into power the last time both at the centre and as the governing party for the largest state of the country. I completely lost all faith in them when the chief minister of the largest state, after the second wave, said that anyone who claims that there were deaths due to lack of oxygen in the state should be imprisoned as that is fake news. Having lost a direct reportee in that state due to lack of oxygen, due to the complete apathy of the government, due to the restrictions imposed on RTPCR testing; all I can say is that someone who cannot admit their mistake but still wants to roar with rage has lost my vote and thus my interest. He has the complete confidence of the party leaders and it baffles me. I cannot seem to digest this.

While the world of Indian and global polity engages with citizens in this, what for me is unintelligent fashion, I have chosen to invest my brain power elsewhere. I would like to be able to lead a life that is productive and has a positive impact on the people I interact with. I will do my duty and vote and when I do that, I will take an informed decision. Till then I will enjoy this wonderful life with more exciting and less constricting avenues.  

Perception, Perfection and Me

 "आग अभी है। राख जम गई है, हटानी पड़ेगी। पर आग अभी है।" 

As we were coming to the end of the last class, Guruji said this to me and the validation I got boosted my spirits. He had started to teach me a Raga Ahir Bhairav bandish, an absolute favourite of mine, that he had first taught me in 2016. While most of it I was comfortable with, there was one point where I had to break the intonations into the individual notes and get the timings coordinated with the notes correctly. I was a bit unhappy and Guruji caught that. It was at that point that he said the above. 

The minute he said what he did, I heaved a sigh of relief. Suddenly I acknowledged what my subconscious knew potentially, six Sigma will come; but in due course with the required riyaz. Also music is a journey for me and not every shabd needs to have a harkat. Meaning not every word needs to be intonation nuanced. If it happens at this stage it's a blessing, but it is not the most critical to furthering my learning. 

This afternoon as I was sitting on my spreadsheet, I was facing frustration as there was one correlation that I was unable to put down into the logic that would create the building block of one small aspect of this larger work. Not that it was the most important to complete my analysis but for some reason it was just important for me to get to the six Sigma stage, and get there just then. As I kept going back and forth with the workings, Guruji's words and my learning from the class suddenly sprung to mind. Knowing that approximation was an acceptable solution I closed the task at hand and took on solving the correlation separately.   

As I am working past midnight, still only 70% of the way there, I am wondering why is it so imp for me to nail this very small assumption to the final level of perfection. I know that the cost benefit analysis of this solution is not worthy of the perfection I am seeking and yet I continue to sacrifice sleep for the same. This over engineering is what I have always warned my team to avoid. So clearly I am stuck here not because of the need but its something else. And as the perfection is avoiding me I started to write, hoping that some clarity will emerge. 

The need for perfection, I realise as I am writing and thinking, comes from two places - (i) as a leader you only have few occasions to be vulnerable  and so have to over prepare always (ii) as a woman I have always over prepared to ensure that I knew my work made sense and it was not a body in a skirt that was getting acknowledgement or acceptance. 

Both the reasons above have always driven me to give my best but have also put me under a tremendous amount of stress and sometimes undue stress too.  One instance, as I look back on, was an episode where my stress was moronic and yet in the drive to strive ahead I almost gave my power away. 

A novice first time banker in the world's financial capital, I was running two deals simultaneously. One was a cross border transaction with teams spanning three time zones - UK, Germany, Taiwan and Hong Kong. It was the first ever Asian transaction for our team. The second was a structured transaction, where the deal structure that was being put together was a global first, and no one knew how to price the instrument. In these unchartered waters, I, a rookie banker, had been entrusted with the responsibility of running the Asian deal and pricing the European global first! I could not fail on either of the two and could not make the minutest of error. This was a huge responsibility and I needed help. But the one person who I could turn to, my boss,  was away for a week and according to the team secretary not contactable. I felt a little rudderless, ok maybe a bit more than little. 

To overcome my fear I did what I know best - over-prepare for that one week. On the Asian transaction I diligently liaised with the client management team, the lawyers, the sales team etc. In addition, I researched all similar transactions from the geography in the last twelve months, the company's last three transactions and went through all the documentation with a tooth comb. I labelled every page and highlighted every clause where I needed my boss' input. The idea was to have a discussion with him so that the six Sigma could be done for a perfect transaction. 

On the pricing front I split the pricing in two parts, valued each separately and prepared two logics of combining them to get a blended issue price. I ran this past a senior colleague and the sales team. Their tweaks incorporated I made copious notes to discuss with my boss on his return. Having done all this I felt in control. 

The afternoon the MD returned to office I went through both the transactions with him. As the discussion progressed he suggested that I leave the Asian deal documents and papers with my highlights and notes with him to be discussed the next morning at seven. He would go through the same at night. The pricing we discussed and had clear actionables on. I felt more in control and confident. Kong, a dear colleague, had organised a dinner for a few of us from the team at a Jazz club that evening. I was really looking forward to that night out. Yet I wanted to ensure that I was all set for the 7:00am meeting and so asked the gang to carry on and would join them soon. 

Three quarters of an hour after they left I made my way to the tube station and hopped on the train to get to a good evening of music and friends. I caught a power nap on the underground and had a skip in my step as l I exited the tube station. Suddenly I froze. I had five voice mails from my boss. He was trying to reach me and given that I was in the underground there was no signal. So he left five very nasty messages including one telling me how I was completely irresponsible to not be reachable when we had two large deals brewing for launch. My confidence, my excitement and my composure; all blew away with cold London wind. On the one hand I was livid. Was I truly the one who was irresponsible or unavailable! On the other hand I was stressed. Maybe I should have done the six Sigma and informed him that I would not be available for the next forty minutes! And it was in this very uncomfortable mental framework that I walked into the Jazz club. 

Kong saw my face and he knew something was amiss. Much older and wiser, the German lawyer and I had developed a friendship where he truly looked out for me. Drawing me aside he asked me what bothered me and I gave him the complete picture - factual and emotional. His response was simple. He took my phone away from me and asked me to enjoy the music. But if I did not call back I would be seen as even more irresponsible! Not according to him. There was no way I could reach perfection when the expectation was unfair and unjust. And so I had to acknowledge the fact and move on. I took his sage advice, which then did not seem so,  but for which today I am very grateful. 

The next morning, I faced music. I was reprimanded for not being available and for being irresponsible. The deals' success meant a lot of income and brand building and I had to deliver perfection. As the barrage continued, at one point I suddenly I realised my own folly. I was attempting perfection in delivery where it mattered but I was bothered about perfection in perception that I could not control. How I reacted I will never forget. I stood up, very politely and calmly pointed out that I had a perfect set of documents awaiting inputs and I had done all within my power to ensure that the pricing structures were logical and market palatable. Then as I walked towards the door, I requested that we resume the discussion with the transactions in mind when the gentleman had regained his calm and composure. My actions suddenly decompressed me. All the weight on my shoulders seemed to have disappeared and I was now in control of what was needed and what was not. 

To complete the story above, both deals were a tremendous success. That is the one time in my life that I did not sleep for a straight 52 hours. But the result was worth the sacrifice. My boss, however, did not share the success rate with me. He had to make me know that I was a minion. I got that from another colleague in the team. But it did not bother me. I realised that on the perception front I could never be perfect. 

As I am concluding, reminiscing and writing this piece, close to 2:30am, I realise that not getting this correlation right does not make my entire working illogical or incorrect but an approximation. However, that approximation in itself  is a great outcome and significant enough to be able to make a truly well informed decision. So I have decided not to continue this struggle. I will pause, rest my brain and I am sure that in due course I will be able to get this correlation right as well. But till then I will continue my learning and my journey knowing that other avenues deserve a bit more of me than this one tiny issue that has troubled me for the last many hours. 

Love - Emotional and Material

 As I listen to "बेकस पे करम कीजिए" yet another time, my mind drifts from the music to the context of the song. My chest sort of starts to cave when I begin to think of the fact that Anarkali was sentenced to be buried alive in that brick wall; all because she happened that fall in love with a man who was also the prince! How could that one emotion that every religion, every Seer, every God in the world defines to be pure and supreme get this punishment! Why would a ruler not understand how compassionate and authentic his son was if he loved a commoner! What could be more painful for Salim and Anarkali than knowing they loved but could not live that love! These are not questions but jarring emotions that have now caused my chest cavity to cave totally...

Well Anarkali lived and Salim ruled as the story says, and whether fact or fiction, there are many real tales like this one that abound. But my shock and bewilderment have no answer or atonement to be found. 

The epitome of love in my view are Lord Shankar and Devi Parvati. A king's daughter, she married the Yogi living in the hills. In her previous life as Sati, she married Lord Shiva even though her father was not a supporter. When she immolated herself in the fire of the yajna, Lord Shiva was bereft and Sari was born as Devi Parvati to bring about the worldly balance that had been lost. So when love can surmount the obstacles of life and death why can it not survive the economic differences that Salim and Anarkali faced? 

Of course this is a philosophical post and thought. One that is not accounting for practical implications. I could understand opposition if one person was a criminal, or dishonest and lacking integrity, or  mentally and physically abusive. However, aside from these, at least I cannot comprehend opposition to love based on caste, religion or economic standing. Naive as it may be, it is my truth. 

I continue to dig deeper and see a strong correlation between economics and such heartless and indifferent decisions. As the human race has progressed materially we have regressed emotionally. Power, stature,  wealth, physical attributes and personal gains dominate the decision making frameworks that we deploy even to take life shaping decisions. And I saw that up, close and personal at a very young age. 

There was a reasonably good friend who had decided to tell the man she was dating that her heart was probably not entirely in the relationship. There was no one else but there was a hope for someone different. She wanted to be honest. However, before she could voice her feelings, he proposed to her with the information of a double promotion and a move overseas. She saw this as her ticket to a life overseas with someone paying for her Masters. The marriage was solemnised. They remain married to date but I am no longer in contact. This was not opposition but proposition because of material factors. I was younger and more idealistic. It played with the circuitry of my brain and so I never spoke to her again. Lack of integrity was unnerving personally. Today I do think that maybe her circumstances drove her to take the path of least resistance and maybe I can understand at some level why she did what she did. I am hoping to reconnect, at leat in this case one heart was overjoyed...

A few years later, older and wiser, I was visiting a friend who was totally devoted to his Christian fiancee. While he was born into a Hindu family, he counted himself as an atheist. His was a family of privileges and hers was of limited means. But their love for one another was real and they were ok to work their way through life's hardships. However, on that visit, my friend mentioned that he would call off the engagement because his parents could not fight the society on both the economic and religious fronts! I was appalled! I had hoped that he would work with his parents to get them to come around. He is intelligent and super well educated. If not him, who else could convince the family. However, the pressure got to him. For a few years after that he was miserable and then met someone who fit the criteria and who he cared about. But she did not light the spark in his eyes as She did! He got married and has a good life. Not sure if it's the happiest he could be though. Of course I am very much in touch with them...

And while I have seen a number of examples of the kind mentioned above, my absolute favorite and fondest story of love surmounting obstacles is that of Mr Pea and Ms Key. I love these two friends to the moon and back. Their journey was not easy. But straying away from the post, their journey was difficult because Ms Key was OMG so difficult. For Mr Pea it was love at first sight and I would love to be able to have a great Bollywood director direct the scene of when they first met! Smitten and swooning, I would have endless hours of phone conversations how Ms Key was the soulmate. She on the other hand was absolutely disgusted with this knowledge. So I was getting polar opposite feedback from two people and I could tell neither who felt what. My cauldron boiled higher each day! Then Ms Key decided to spend two months in Dubai. I took Mr Pea for coffee and explained to him that there were "other fish in the sea" and he should move on. While he told me he would, he did not. This limbo continued for at least three years and then one fine day I was summoned by Ms Key. If I wanted her friendship I had to drop everything and go to her place. I ran, metaphorically that is. 

Reaching her place I found a pensive Ms Key unable to comprehend how she had not recognised true love for all these years. She now wanted to pour her heart out but knew not where she stood. While he had not explicitly spoken to me post that coffee, I knew where he stood. Yet, I could not give any guarantees. I wanted to protect her, just in case. So I told her that she had no down side in meeting him that evening and having an honest conversation. She was scared and hesitant but agreed that this was the best course of action. So we took the bus that went to Mr Pea's house. Dropping her there I continued home in the same bus, with every moment becoming an eon of waiting. Those days there were no mobile phones. So I had to get home to know the outcome. 

The bus stopped about half a kilometre away from home. I jumped out and ran, like literally ran home. Panting and perspiring I desperately rang the door bell and as soon as the door opened the landline started ringing. I pounced on the phone as if my life depended on it. And well it was a very cool and calm Mr Pea on the other end. As much as he was elated, his voice was expressionless. I had no joy speaking to him and so just asked for Ms Key. When she came on the line and I could hear her smile and I had tears of joy. They got married years later and for ythat wedding I flew down from London. Would not have missed it for anything at all. 

That story makes me smile, always!

Love is divine and love is what makes the world go round. It may not be deep emotional love, it may be love for wealth, power, stature, physical attributes and personal gains. But it is love that makes the world go round. I just wish that we would all recognise pure, authentic, unadulterated emotional love and respect that emotion. The world would be a better place...

Dial M for Music

I am but one of the million fans that Lata didi has. I am but a minion in the journey of music that she summited. I am but a speck in the universe of which she is now a part. And yet I cannot stop my thoughts from straying around her music and her sheer talent and genius. Like a river to the ocean, I am drawn to just her music since Sunday.

As the morning started with me trying to work on finding solutions to the issues sitting in my inbox, I was unable to focus without listening to her music. Even last night sleep eluded as I tried to attempt melody after melody and then restarting with something simpler. I just could not find something I was capable of singing. A similar challenge this morning was what to hear. There is an incredible legacy that she has left behind; even if one tried one lifetime is less to do justice to her music. What a blessed life!

I finally settled to start with an SD Burman album that is greatly influenced by Hindustani Classical, and incidentally the story of the film is about the musical talent of a woman. Yes, you guessed it – “Abhiman”. As I listened to the soul soothing “Nadiya Kinare” I was reminded of a musical incident that I had totally forgotten. This was high school. I was 14 and under the tutelage of a Ghazal singer when I was asked to participate in a singing competition. The trouble was this was to be a duet and we were in an all-girls school. Women duets are rare and those that one found were beyond our capability. Finally, we chose “Loote Koi Man Ka Nagar” from Abhiman. Given that I have always been at relative ease with kharaj I sang the male part. Listening to this track today, I am glad that I did so.

As I went through the day, I received two whatsapps that made my choices easier. The first one had a fabulous selection of Lata didi's solos. It reconnected me with the equally sublime and powerful “Jago Mohan Pyare”. When we were children, mother used to sing a slightly modified sthayee of the song while doing her morning Pooja. I had for some strange reason forgotten this composition. And with all knowledge that I am not worthy, I have decided to attempt this bhajan over this weekend. How successful am I will be known only in the coming days. In the interim I am listening to “Bekas Pe Karam Kijiye”. A few years ago, while mother was visiting Nani, Papa and a dear friend of his had wanted to see the live performance of Mughle – E- Azam at the NCPA. I went along and distinctly remember that when this song was being sung, I whispered to Papa – “please let us play the original in the car on the way home”. The “pukaar” and the “dua” that Lata didi infused in the melody heightened the message being conveyed by the lyrics of Shakeel Badayuni. As I listened to this and heard her intonations and emphasis on the word “sarkaar” I remembered Guruji’s early teaching where he made me understand the importance of extending, elongating, and emoting along with the “matras” and not the “akshar”. Music is truly divine.

The second whatsapp that I received from my grandfather figure and my epitome of grace and affection was “Yeh Jeevan Hai” from “Piya Ka Ghar”! What a movie from Rajshree productions! As I was listening to this song more than anything else the lyrics hit me hard. Specifically, the following –

“ये ना सोचो इसमें अपनी, हार है के जीत है

उसे अपना लो जो भी, जीवन की रीत है”

As these lines played, I recollected my conversation with Guruji this morning. At the end of the Riyaz I asked him why was it that all of Lata didi’s works were suddenly being taken out of the treasure chests now. They had always existed and in the same glory. So, what makes them more special today? He simply smiled said, “Well this is what life is”. I sometimes want to ask the creator why is this so but I guess I will need to wait my turn…

Music has been my one constant in my life and I do hope that I can now be consistent in my learning. I will never even be 0.00001% of Lata didi but I hope I can be 1% of her consistency in Riyaz. As Guruji said before he ended this morning “Always remember और कुछ नहीं पर ये स्वर साथ आते भी हैं और जाते भी।“

Dial M for Mangeshkar and you will get Music

 As I look at my twitter feed, listening to the music of the legend, I have a smile on my face and tears in my eyes. Of course, the world of music is poorer today and the void created cannot be and will never be filled. But my tears are just accompanying the ironic smile on my face. It was Basant Panchami yesterday. The day of Ma Saraswati. I restarted my Hindustani Classical training yesterday and the incarnation of Ma Saraswati went to her heavenly abode today. This time I will not stop, my learning will continue, but its just ironic. Or so I think and feel, and some of you who know me will know why this irony is so strong for me.

In one of her earlier interviews, she had said that devotional music was amongst her favourites. I am musically a pauper compared to her, but I also really enjoy that genre. In fact, when I started singing weekly bhajans about two years ago, it was also because her rendition of “Allah Tero Naam” was looped in my head. Knowing my keen interest in devotional music, just before Nani passed away, that is one song Guruji had started teaching me. This was in addition to the knowledge of the ragas and Riyaz that I was getting under his tutelage. As I started to sing the bhajan, I would listen to her rendition of the same multiple times a day. Other than her voice and intonations what struck me was how one could never hear her breathe while singing. Notice it. She is amongst the rarest of singers who while singing do not let their breath hit the microphone. Apparently, she would turn slightly away from the recording instrument and then inhale. What dedication to the art!

As hard as I try and recall, I cannot remember my first Lataji song. What I do have is a vivid memory of the two LPs that I played very regularly. One is a recording of her live performances with the legendary Mukesh and the other one is that of her live performance at the Royal Albert Hall. I still have both the LPs and had to share this picture from the first one, which is her tribute to the singer she called an older brother. This LP introduced me to one of my all-time Lataji favourites, “Aap Ki Nazaron Ne Samjha”. The lyrics somewhere depict what love means to me and her rendition makes that emotion extremely palpable. Madan Mohan who was the music director for this song incidentally was also the composer of her last full album as well – Veer Zara. The song “Tere Liye Hum Hain Jiye” from Veer Zara awakens every pore in my body and every corner of my soul. Her voice conveys the deep emotion of love so well that I can feel that love in my own bones! 

The second LP had two songs that have stuck with me all through – “Satyam Shivam Sundaram” is the first. In fact, one of the weekends, I thought I could try and sing this bhajan and then had to acknowledge how far I am in my journey to be able to attempt this song. So, respecting her kala I did not even venture to attempt the first line. The second one is “Ehasaan Tera Hoga Mujh Par” from Junglee. The profound lyrics come alive with her soulful rendition. This one I tried to attempt (even my attempt to try was meek) and shared with Apyrrhicvictor. A very dear friend who understands music and revels in it as much as I, he is the only one I feel I can share some of these recordings with. He is honest and gentle in his feedback, and I am not scared of being judged by him. In almost two decades of friendship, he must have been done with judging me multiple times over! 

One movie that I can watch multiple times over is the Hrishikesh Mukherjee directed “Chupke Chupke”. C Ramachandra has just lit the plot with his absolutely perfect scores. However, I can never get over the title track, “Chupke Chupke Chal Ri Purvaiya”. Lataji sung it with such ease, that the grace with which the melody envelopes the sublime lyrics is purely prepossessing. It’s been a song that has always inspired me to have control in my singing. She had this innate command on music and voice where she could just use control to convey the emotion. No intonations, no murkhis, no alaaps. Just pure simple controlled rendition and the song seemed to be from another planet. That is exactly how she could invoke the patriotism of millions of Indians when she sang “Ae Mere Watan Ke Logon”. She used the right amount of softness and force in various parts of the song so that the listener feels the call to duty, the pain and the valour all in that span of a few minutes. I remember watching Indian Idol recently where one of the contestants had brilliantly sung a Lataji classic. While commenting on the performance, one of the judges said that while he could not take away the stunning capability of the performer her real challenge would be to bring about the same emotions without having Lataji’s rendition as a guide. And how true he was. Very few singers have been able to get this control right.

In fact, as I write this, the other melody that comes to mind is the beautiful “Gudiya Hum Se Roothi Rahogi” from the film Dosti. It’s a song that Sequoia and I often sang to the pampered Bonsai and later to our Mini Mouse when she would get upset. The playful innocence with which Lataji sang that song really captured the emotions of a mother trying to cajole a sulking child. Throughout childhood it was a fun song to sing and tease Bonsai when she would needlessly mope or brood. The music of this song was given by the duo of Laxmikant – Pyarelal. Between 1963 – 1998, Lataji recorded 712 songs with them which is the highest number of compositions she sang with any music director. If we are counting then her top 3 music directors after Laxmikant – Pyarelal were Shankar Jaikishan (453), R.D. Burman (327) and C Ramachandra (298) with Kalyanji Anandji at a close 297 next.

Lataji with Shankar Jaikishen gave us some absolute classics that are evergreen and of course “Ehsan Tera Hoga Mujh Par” is at the top. But one other hauntingly melodious creations of the trio, for me, is “Ajeeb Dastaan Hai Yeh”. This is another song where Lataji has empowered the melody and incorporated control to convey more than what the lyrics could. Another one is from the movie Saanjh Aur Savera. While Suman Kalyanpur has sung some of the songs from the film no one could have sung “Manmohan Krishna Murari” like Lataji did. The unconditional devotion pours out of every note. This is one bhajan that I have been singing regularly now because it is attemptable, and her singing is just inspirational.

“Bekhudi Mein Sanam” is a song I recently recorded as I had to sing it to get out of my system. I had been humming it incessantly and once when accidentally my mic was on during a zoom meeting. Embarrassed to the core, that I night I sung it finally. Obviously, it is no patch on the original, but it is a great example of the nostalgic classics that we got when Lataji sang with Kalyanji Anandji. The other one being “Chandan Sa Badan” a song in raag Yaman that I attempted just last night! 

One of my all-time favourite Bollywood soundtracks is Aandhi. This is RD Burman’s pinnacle in my view. And this album would not have been what it is without Lataji. The call to love with “Is Mod Se Jaate Hain” to the acknowledgement of love with “Tum Aa Gaye Ho” and finally the acknowledgement of the longing for love with “Tere Bina Zindagi Se”. None of these songs would have their souls had it not been Lataji breathing life into them. What an incredible voice and musical talent house she was! It seems unbelievable that she has transcended to be with the Gods, the creators of music. Think of it, while she sang for RD Burman, she also sang for his great father SD Burman. Remember "Katon Se Kheench Ke Ye Aanchal" and the "Guide" soundtrack? She also sang for mothers and daughters - Tanuja and Kajol are one example!

As we moved to Bombay, we had the absolute fortune of attending her last live concert in the city. There was a massive live orchestra and then there was the much anticipated performance of “Ye Kahan Aa Gaye Hum” with the Bollywood numero uno Amitabh Bachchan. Shiv-Hari are classical maestros, and they outdid themselves in scoring the songs of “Silsila”. The music is a class apart! When the orchestra played the opening notes my toes started tingling, but I will never ever forget the sensation that shot through me when Lataji started singing this song. I have always been very partial to this song. It was this melody that made me want to visit Keukenhof and as an MBA student I saved for a trip to visit the Tulip Gardens. That day, walking through the rows of flowers, I kept listening to Lataji’s live performance of this song. At every step of life she seemed to have been there with the music, with her voice.

It sounds silly as I am even thinking of writing this next bit, but however stupid it may sound, given the vast repertoire of bhajans and Bollywood classics that Lataji had garnered I never even thought about hearing her work in her native Marathi. A few years ago, a friend shared her music collection on a thumb drive. She is an ardent music lover and a Maharashtrian so of course I had the opportunity to skim the surface of Marathi music. And in that came a beautiful Sant Dyaneshwar composition “Mogara Phulala”. I was completely soaked in this composition. Speaking to my friend I realised that while the voice was that of Lataji, the music was composed by her brother Pandit Hridaynath Mangeshkar. The entire family is blessed by Ma Saraswati and today I pray that she grants them the strength to carry on without the matriarch.

If I do not make a deliberate attempt, I will not stop penning today. How can one when she has sung some 30,000 songs in 36 languages, across genres and generations! But I have to stop. 

As I paid my last respects to this musical genius and goddess, what struck me was stuning. Maybe my restarting my training yesterday was very timely because I had her blessings while she was here on this planet. My eyes are still moist, and my smile remains but the smile is no longer of irony but of gratitude. 

They say that the soul takes a few days to transcend from this mortal world to the abode of the Gods. Any attachments, here, make that transition difficult. I pray that the love that the nation has for Lataji makes it easier for her to reach the abode of Ma Saraswati so that she can bless us all forever and ever. So filled with deepest of gratitude, I thank her for the music that she has blessed us with.

Music & I

 Long Post Alert* 

Through the multiple schools of childhood where I carefully made friends, through all the turbulent and exhilarating years of adolescence and then through the journey across countries and companies as an adult; I have had one steadfast companion, one constant, and that has been music. With both parents being ardent music lovers I believe music is a blessing that I inherited from them. They furthered that interest and left no stone unturned to get us exposure to varied genres, and musical education both vocal and instrumental. 

A large part of summer holidays were spent at Nana Nani house in Jaipur. Mother had grown up there and had the fortune to have learnt under Pandit Vishwa Mohan Bhatt. So she was hopeful that one of her daughters would also have that luck. I was the chosen one, maybe because she had caught me multiple times recording songs that I heard playing on the many LPs at home. I went to Guruji to learn the Sitar at the onset. A restless me found it quite a tall ask to sit in the required position for the duration of the class. I would shift and fidget. So after the first few classes he told mother that maybe she should be less hopeful, which is when she requested that he teach me vocal. At her request he mustered courage to give me one more shot. Well I passed that litmus test and during those holidays I learnt from him; my fortune. 

As a child I had no appreciation for the depth of Hindustani Classical. I enjoyed it tremendously though and with all modesty I say that potentially at that age I could read the notes of a bandish and put the melody together, a task that today is nearly impossible for me. Tiwari sir was a very soft spoken and patient musician. He used to play the tabla at school and mother requested him to train me in Hindustani Classical while school was in session. He kindly agreed and I was introduced to the Bhatkhande system. Why do I remember these details to date is because of one particular incident. 

I was probably seven or eight years old when I was told at school that I would need to perform two songs at the annual day - one Hindustani Classical and one Western composition. Both teachers said that I could select what I wanted to sing and get it cleared from them. English was easy. I went to Yashoda ma'am saying I wanted to sign Abba's I have a dream, a song which to this day is one of my favourites. She consented and agreed to train me! Bless her. To this day I hesitatingly share my bhajans and writings with her. I just cannot disappoint her after all the efforts she put into us lot.

So one song decided, I began to search for the Hindustani Classical bandish. Not sure why, but I was a lot more particular about this one and so sat with the Bhatkhande book daily until one fine day I stumbled on two that captivated me. One was a raag Yaman composition and the other was raag Asawari. I do not understand the raag system well even today, back then I was a total illiterate in that respect. Tiwari Sir made the final selection and Asawari is what he taught me, with a Tarana and all. I remember that composition to date down to the last swar. How blessed were those days. 

After that, summer holidays were not with Guruji. Why, I don't know and before that thought even crops up in your mind, no the reason was not the restless or the fidgety me. However, instead we had a masterji come to Nana Nani house to teach bhajans to all of us cousins. That was my favourite time of the day and it used to be my endeavour to please him the most as well and be his favourite disciple. Here is what that led to. 

Masterji used to come in the evenings and have his evening tea while we kids had our evening milk. Given that we were at the grandparents' house, milk meant cold coffee, a luxury that was a mere dream for the remainder of the year. So there came a point where I decided that I would make masterji's tea and the cousins' cold coffee. I was probably nine or ten and no more. The family's trusted helping hand, Mr Lanky, was there to supervise and guide. Except for one day I could not find the ground sugar powder that went into the coffee. I waited but Mr Lanky was not making his way to the kitchen. So I went into Nani's bhandarghar (pantry) and after opening a few boxes found the white powder. I put that into the smaller container that had its place in the kitchen and went about my chore. I gave tea to masterji and cold coffee to the cousins. Masterji drank his tea but the cousins said that the cold coffee tasted different. Who cared about siblings when masterji was happy. So I turned a deaf ear. 

The next day a similar reaction came my way and I returned my indifference. The third day one cousin complained of stomach ache at night and we all wondered what had we eaten but no one could put a finger on anything. Nani house seldom had food from outside. So the next evening as I was making tea for masterji, I decided that the stomach ache candidate should not drink cold coffee and took out one glass less. That is when Mr Lanky walked in. He asked me why there was one less glass and I said that cold coffee may not be the best beverage for someone with a stomach ache and authoritatively asked him to pass me the small container of powdered sugar. He was wasting my time. I had to get the tea quickly to masterji. As Mr Lanky was passing me the container he removed the lid and shouted in horror , " is this what you have been putting in the cold coffee!" An indignant me said, "yes. I found it all by myself when you were not here to guide and I also give this fine sugar to masterji". Oh he burst into splits! Apparently I had been using flour, as in plain white refined flour, in my tea and coffee instead of powdered sugar! That explained the stomach ache to everyone and to my embarassment in front of masterji. He was gracious though and said nothing but only smiled. I am red as a tomato even as I write this....

Back to music. Masterji taught us a number of bhajans but two have stuck with me for their melodies and yearning. One is Surdas' "Prabhuji more avagun chit na dharo" and the other one is the raag Yaman based "Sada Shiva bhaja man nisdan". Masterji's tutelage, apart from that one incident was very uneventful or so it seemed then, but today I realise that it was that early learning which instilled in me the appreciation for bhajans and the emotions that it brings out. Masterji's deep voice along with the harmonium reverberates in my ears even today. I wish I could go back to those days..

Coming to think of it Yashoda ma'am and masterji both have to be credited for introducing me to folk music and patriotic songs. Masterji taught us Rajasthani folk songs which also helped me pick up Marwari, a language that amongst sisters and cousins probably I have the best grasp on. Oh of course this is not a modesty post; or was it supposed to be! Oops! One of the most memorable Rajasthani folk songs he taught is the fun filled "Anjan ki seeti mein mharo man dole" completely ruined by Bollywood's insistence to modernise almost everything! Yashoda ma'am's contribution to my musical memories is endless but the top one has to be "Himadri tung shring se prabhudh shudh bharti", a Jaishankar Prasad poem set to music that is a tribute and a call of duty to the armed forces.

As we moved to Malaysia we were introduced to the Organ. I described then as a combination of the keyboard and the Piano. Father insisted that we use the opportunity to acquaint ourselves with the Western classics. So a tutor came to teach us and an Organ was purchased (it still is with us albeit only ornamentally). Bonsai refused to learn and got away with it. Sequoia excelled at reading music and was the teacher's pet. I on the other hand, enjoyed playing by ear and could reproduce the melody with my eyes closed but abhorred reading notation. As a result I was an average and slow student. While this was not a mutually satisfactory relationship, it was this period that I delved deeper into the old Bollywood classics. And that started a love affair which continues to date. 

Going to school, across the border in Singapore seemed glamarous but was arduous. My classmates spoke Chinese, a language that todate is foreign to me. I had just a friend or two and for a people person like me it was an identity crisis. That's when music came to my rescue. The local radio played old Bollywood classics at night. So once everyone was asleep, I would sneak downstairs to where the music system was, switch on the radio and spend time with my one steadfast companion. It brought me peace, joy and hope. I would dream and smile and wait for times where I was more content. 

When we moved to Mumbai mother decided it was time to restart my training. Once again I was lucky to find a teacher who was a great Ghazal singer. His classes were strenuous but extremely intriguing. It taught me breath control like I had never experienced before. I got hooked to Jagjit Singh and must have spent tonnes of pocket money buying his music. This was also the time that country music came into my life and John Denver and Shania Twain were in my top 5. But this period too was short lived as engineering became the reality of my life. Music in varied forms stayed in my life but the discipline of practice and training stopped. 

As I moved to London, Opera and I made acquaintance and started to enjoy each other's company. I also started listening to Western classical, fusion, world and Hindustani Classical music. It was a period where my knowledge of music genres grew. Whether it was a Bon Jovi concert or a U2 concert, whether it was Pandit Vishwa Mohan Bhatt or Ustaad Zakir Hussain performing, whether it was the Opera or the Jazz club; I was soaking in regular performances. Pizzas with jazz became an event to save for. Mama Mia, Phantom of the Opera were seen twice or thrice over. It was a time that made me musically richer and monetarily more disciplined to be able to afford the musical  richness! 

Finally when I moved back to India the Benevolent One decided that it was time I restarted my Hindustani Classical training. He wrote a note for the karta dharta of Bhartiya Vidya Bhavan. I knew once I went there with that note I would get into the class I wanted. But I was probably not ready yet and so I tarried in indecision. It was next father's turn to twist my ears a bit. He called a family acquaintance asking for a guru for me. One was duly suggested, however, guruji's condition was that he would come and meet the family. If he found us to be musically inclined only then would he accept me a student. Wow! This was almost like a pre cursor to an arranged marriage proposal. And before your mind starts conjuring images there was no nervousness or display. But it was a judgement day just like that. 

Guruji took to father immediately and it was more because of him that he took me on as a student. The day of the first class the tanpura started and I was asked to just sing the Shadja or the Sa. All the efforts of all my earlier teachers, the inheritance of parents and the years of listening did bear fruit and I hit the note immediately and was in tune. Guruji listened for 50seconds and then asked me to stop. He heaved a sigh of relief saying, " after I accepted you as a disciple I realised that I had not heard you. What if you were tone deaf or had no idea about swar! These had been bothering me, but you have potential. And I will work with you." That was literally music to my ears, literally! 

So my courtship with classical music began and since the last five or six years Hindustani classical, old Bollywood classics and bhajans have been my go to music. In between I do turn to other genres of course and to Abhijit Pohankar's fusion music, but what brings me solace is the former. 

Once I started riyaz I started enjoying sitting with music. I became less hesitant to mother listening to my riyaz. In fact I liked her inputs from time to time. On nights that I worked late I would think if I should sleep in late and postpone class but the drive to improve kept me from cancelling. What I realised on the contrary was that even with less sleep, a music class helped me put in the same number of hours with the same energy. I started recording our sessions and would listen to them in the car. It helped me spot errors and improve. I was enjoying. And then as I broke out of the constraints of my range, my paternal grandmother passed on. Classes were put on hold for a month and a half. When we restarted I had lost some ground and so took time to get back to the pace of learning I enjoyed. As I got to that level and started enjoying, the Benevolent One decided it was time for Him to transcend to His abode in heaven. It was blow and a big one. But He had wished me to learn and so I restarted. Work had been mentally wringing which was having physical consequences but I kept learning and was growing slowly. It was one foot in front of the other. Music kept me sane through those times. And then when I found my mojo again Nani passed on. 

That 25th January as we landed in Delhi and Sequoia texted to say she and Pape Smurf were at the airport I knew Nani did not wait for us to reach. But it also struck me hard that everytime I was beginning to enjoy music I had lost someone. Was this a relationship that got me bad luck. Was this a relationship that was not meant to be. These thoughts paralysed my momentum and I stopped learning. 

Soon Covid hit and in person classes were not possible. Guruji called. We could do whatsapp and / or zoom classes. But my fear and anxiety had a strong hold on me. I was unable to get out of that mindset but I could not live without singing. So I started singing a bhajan every weekend. For accompanying music I played the keyboard and then later discovered a karaoke app. Slowly I was singing and recording more than bhajans. It became a nightly ritual to sing one song before going to bed. My bhajans got appreciation and the most validating appreciation came from mother who knows this kala so well. I started to feel maybe I could have music in my life and it was not a doomed relationship.

The thought to give music and me another chance was brewing in my head, when Guruji called again. They say you don't accept a Guru. It is a Guru who decides that he wants to invest in you, guide you and help you learn. In my case, his call demonstrated just that. Guruji called. We spoke and the next thing I know we are fixing a date to restart. 

As I wait to meet Hindustani Classical again, I am excited and I am nervous. Music is important to me and I want this relationship to succeed. I do not want to think ahead and I do not want to jinx it. I am soaring as well as I am hesitating. And because I want the universe to help me in my journey I took pen to paper and am writing this down, hoping that with all of it out there the Gods will have mercy and will help me attain my dream this time round. 

Keep tuned in for my progress...