Wish I had just some more time!

Yesterday I stormed into the hospital room and opened the curtains. He was lying on the bed and smiling. His smile made me feel warm. It gave me the confidence that I could probably be a little stern and get my way with him. All I wanted to do was to make him sit on his own. And he did albeit with a little bit of coaxing, some cajoling and yes even some emotional blackmailing. Yet I achieved my aim and hence was eagerly hopeful.

Today I walked into the room and found him in pain. The surgery and the anaesthesia had disoriented him more than his illness already had. I gently walked up to him and he took my hand into his. He clutched it tight and motioned me to sit by him. His grip was firm, despite his age and the wretched Parkinson’s, and that said all he wanted to but is unable to – he wants me close. His only grandchild in the city and I am not there for him for more than just a few hours in a week.

I can recall numerous evenings of umpteen summer vacations when I held on to his hand to cross the road and go horse riding. He never let go of my hand till I was on the horse. If I accompanied him to his morning walks, he would hold my hand as I stepped on the rocks by the sea and urge me to be careful. He would even hold my hand as I threw the grains to feed the pigeons on the terrace. Today, it is he who is holding on to my hand; and expects nothing but some time. Time to sit by him and talk to him not waiting for a response. Time to help him say all that he is feeling. Time so that he can be a grandfather once again. But alas! It is time that I do not have.

So caught up am I with the responsibilities of my own life that I have to ration it for the person who is responsible for the life that I have and I lead. If not for him I would not have had parents that I do. If not for his insistence, education would not have been valued like it is in my conservative family. If it was not he who encouraged not only his granddaughters today but also his daughters forty years ago to have a career, I would probably not be independent. So if not for him I would have not had the chance to know myself. And today that I do, I am too caught up with myself!

Ironic! He helped me be where I am today and I am unable to help him today. He stroked my head just a couple of years ago as I lay with my head in his lap. Now, I cannot even stroke his hand for long enough to comfort him. He was the one who was most eager for me to return to India. And my return seems to have disappointed him the most!

If such is the compromise required where I need to forsake emotional fulfilment for financial independence, not fully undertake my duties because I choose to endorse other responsibilities and where my ideals constantly clash with practicality; then I question if we as a generation are on the right path of growth. With the growing availability of resources, are we becoming more efficient or just more complacent? Or am I just being overly sentimental?

The Indian Woman - A Perspective

India is undergoing seismic shifts which are transforming the country’s economic setup, consumer attitudes, political system and even the traditional family unit. While in most other spheres the function of most stakeholders has altered; in the case of the household it is the role of women that has experienced the most visible changes. No longer confined to the four walls of a house, a tempting description of the modern Indian woman could be - a highly educated and driven career woman, fighting neck to neck to create her place under the sun. While not entirely incorrect, this would be an incomplete description. However ambitious she may be, the Indian woman is still the strongest pillar supporting the family architecture. She still remains a mother, a wife, a daughter and a sister before embarking on the journey of realizing her professional dreams.

India has the world’s largest number of professionally qualified women[1] and the highest number of women executives heading financial institutions[2]. With intelligent women abounding globally, it is not talent alone that has enabled Indian women to attain this distinction. It is not even that India is not a male dominated society so that women have it easier; much to the contrary actually. There are no gender biased judicial privileges that make it simpler for Indian women to scale these heights. However, in their mothers (and mothers-in-law) Indian women find invaluable and selfless contribution in running the household and bringing up children. It is the affection, devotion and stamina of mothers (and mothers-in-law) which have allowed the modern Indian woman to lead a satisfied life without compromising either her family or her career.

Co-existing with this Fortune magazine cover gracing female personalities is another segment of the modern Indian women which believes that the utilization of education, experience and exposure is most worthwhile in grooming children into becoming worthy and stable individuals. The tremendous sacrifice of these women, who give up lucrative career opportunities to provide early guidance, emotional stability and a support system, enhances the independence and intelligence of their children (as research has proven[3]). The Indian youth owes its success and well being in a big way to the Indian mother.

It is not just as a mother that the Indian woman cares for her family. The quintessential Indian wife has always walked along side her husband partaking some of his responsibilities. It is often for this reason that the modern Indian woman works, to guarantee that there is more than ample not just for her husband and children but also for the extended family. While she works hard to bolster the family, the modern Indian woman also handles compromises and change with equanimity to ensure that any transition is smooth for the family. It is a well known fact that today’s global enterprise and pride of India, Infosys, was started with the savings of Mrs. Sudha Murty, wife of the current Infosys Chief Mentor. Mrs. Murty’s faith in her husband, her unflinching support towards his passion, and her ability to successfully run the household with a smaller financial corpus has given the world one of its leading IT and consulting firms.[4] Not only did she provide the monetary means but in the subsequent year quit her promising job to relocate with her husband and help him in his business endeavour. No wonder they say that behind every successful man there is a woman! The modern Indian woman should be proud of herself for the same.

And while the mothers and the wives do their bits, the daughters can only learn from them. A society that has since time immemorial been biased towards the male child, is today beginning to witness an unthinkable tide. Daughters are providing for and taking care of their parents increasingly. Sullaja Firodia Motwani is an example of a daughter who is a father’s pride. Despite being born in a business family, Sullaja carved her own path and worked for a financial consulting firm in the US before returning to India to head that same company’s operations. However, when her father’s business started to see tougher times, Sullaja gave up her job and donned the hat of the co-captain in order to manoeuvre the Kinetic group out of troubled waters. She could have left the task to her brother alone and stuck to the identity she had created for herself. But acknowledging her responsibilities she stepped in and accepted the challenge.

The world talks about female infanticide, dowry deaths and female sexual harassment in India. What the world forgets to realize in the interim is that in these changing times, the contemporary Indian woman is sometimes faced with contradicting identities. While the feminist activists push her to one extreme, the tradionalist conservatives push her towards the other. The woman herself in the process is lost. However, in my opinion the identity of the Indian woman is what it always has been and can be simply described as:

"Kaaryeshumantri Karaneshudasi Bhoyjeshumata Sayaneshurambha
Dharmanukula Kshamayadharitri Sadgunmetatv hi Pavitranam
Syabharya Bhartasmanugamini Nityam Madhuvaktri Sabharya hi Bhakti"


Translated from Sanskrit in my interpretation as:

The one wise as a minister, who toils with endless energy and is the provider of food and luxuries,
The one who helps pick the right from wrong, has an endless capacity to forgive, is a collection of virtues and a pillar of purity,
The one who walks along side providing unconditional support, always has a kind word to say and is an epitome of sincerity

There remains little room for confusion now but ample for progress and prosperity.



Dedication:
This piece is dedicated foremost to my mother, a qualified lawyer and an accomplished classical singer, who gave up her career possibilities for her family. We are all indebted to her for the same. Next, this is dedicated to my elder sister who in my childhood was a second mother (much to my dislike). A very qualified dietician and a nutritionist she has decided to work only part time as her priority now are her two children. And lastly this is for my maternal grandmother, who from an early age taught me the importance of discipline and devotion.

[1] Source: www.mapofindia.com

[2] Three of the world’s largest surviving banking institutions’ operations in India (JP Morgan, HSBC and UBS) are headed by women. Fidelity Asset management, PWC and rating agency Crisil are other examples of organizations with women at the helm. Indian banking institutions such as RBI and ICICI have had women steering them for a long time now and in that respect are a global rarity.
[3] Jim Brown, Agape Press, November 14, 2005

Two new studies indicate parents might want to reconsider sending their children to daycare or preschool. In one study, Stanford University and University of California researchers found that children who spend more than six hours a day in center-based care outside the home showed poor social skills. According to the researchers, the children in the investigation showed "diminished levels of cooperation, sharing, motivated engagement in classroom tasks, and greater aggression. And in another study, this one conducted by the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, a researcher found that kids who spent long hours in daycare and preschool exhibited "poorer work habits and poorer social skills through third grade." These children, according to the study, tended more than others to have trouble concentrating and completing their school work.

[4] Source: Sudha Murty’s Autobiography: “In 1981 Murty wanted to start Infosys. He had a vision and zero capital…initially I was very apprehensive about Murty getting into business. We did not have any business background .. Moreover we were living a comfortable life in Bombay with a regular pay check and I didn’t want to rock the boat. But Murty was passionate about creating good quality software. I decided to support him. Typical of Murty, he just had a dream and no money. So I gave him Rs 10,000 which I had saved for a rainy day, without his knowledge and told him, this is all I have. Take it. I give you three years sabbatical leave. I will take care of the financial needs of our house. You go and chase your dreams without any worry. But you have only three years!”

Equality or Sexuality?

For some time now I have been struggling to figure out what is the perception that today’s society (read “men”) holds of a modern woman. Are we really deemed to be equals, have the freedom and respect we seek and can we really expect to be judged based on our abilities and capabilities? Might not be a simple answer but I believe it is worth exploring.

This entire thought process was agitated by a speech made by the Italian premier, Mr. Berlusconi. In an election campaign he emphasized that the opposition had poor taste and what he could not tolerate was that this poor taste extended to their women politicians. Is that really the first port of call to judge a woman! The entire speech degraded women and I think the only member of the fairer sex that was spared was his mother. I wonder what gold dust is she powdered with! And how could the Italians re-elect a man with such shallow thoughts!

However, I need not go far. My own city of London has innumerable examples where women have been faced with unfair treatment and those responsible are still in their positions of power. Numerous studies conducted over the years have illustrated that in general women bankers tend to be lower paid than their male counterparts. Sexual harassment cases filed by women in the city are not on a decline by any stretch of imagination. Career post motherhood is not whole heartedly supported by some employers. And this is in a city which is supposed to be a congregation of some of the more educated, cultured and well aware professionals globally!

Don’t get me wrong. I am not an activist for feminine rights. In fact I think that there are certain laws and regulations that support women unjustifiably. Take the 30% reservation for women in India. This ranges from places being reserved in engineering colleges to politics to public sector jobs. In my view this reservation is unfair to men. If women want to study and build a career for themselves then they should have confidence in themselves. They should fight their battles and attain their goals on merit, not because of gender discrimination and not at the cost of another more deserving candidate.

While I might say this the sad reality is that even if women want to be recognized for their mettle, men thrive in the drive of their hormones. I have been faced with situations in my professional life where men have made absolutely unwarranted advances. On most occasions these have been clients and hence I have maintained my dignity and not said anything in public. However, in one instance I had to report the incident to my employer. A client asked for my mobile number on the pretext of setting up a subsequent meeting. As soon as I left his office, I had a text message asking me out to dinner. I politely declined. However, I was pushed to the extent of being asked if I was free “later tonight”? This message did not get a response from me. So it was followed by 6 phone calls. And please note that the man in question is a married man. If you want to pay a compliment say it graciously. If you want to fish be subtle. However, men seem to think that they need not act with caution as they can get away with anything, in some cases even sexually abusing girls who are not even adults!

Are women really just eye candies and sex objects? Is that all men think of and need? Do they never think of women as individuals? Are women not living beings with feelings and emotions that need affection? Can men not see that women take all this crap from their species and still are loving mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, girl friends etc?

People say women do not know what they want. In my opinion we know what we want. We want to be respected. To be genuinely treated as equals. To be applauded for our achievements and loved for who we are. The day that “society” achieves this, the status of the modern woman will truly be uplifted. That is when women will truly become free!