Friends

Randy Pausch, in his Last Lecture, spoke about the Parent Lottery; the sweepstakes where some of us win the bumper prizes of supportive parents who nurture their children into independent, aware, seeking and compassionate individuals. In addition, I think, there is a second lottery that everyone plays in their lives and that is the Great Friends lottery. The winner earns friends who through the years help her in becoming a better person. In times of need they stand by her like the rock of Gibraltar. When she makes a mistake they do not shy away from telling her that she was wrong but do not judge her for that error. And even after each one of them is on their individual life paths they are still there for her, unconditionally.

Now while I got lucky in the Parents Lottery, I also struck gold in the Great Friends Lottery. I am currently absorbing the magic of this luck of mine and am wonderstruck by the enormous amount of love and affection all around me. It is not big gestures that drive the point home, but it is the small stuff. It is the little things such as taking a delivery 2:00 am gladly, sharing the limited time to be with the better half with the friend, taking a day off just to spend some time together, ensuring that you have enough to sustain you on a two hour journey and even though you are old and independent enough not to leave you alone on your way in to the train station. There is such indulgence showered so spontaneously that one cannot but humbly acknowledge that one is not just well looked after but also amply looked out for. And yes in between all of this there is loads of laughter, fun and the small conversations that address the questions that life poses in front of each one of us. No wonder they say that it is the small stuff that matters!

This year my annual holiday has enriched me with the memories of a precious family holiday in some of the world's most picturesque mountains and a priceless realisation of the fact that some of the world’s most wonderful people are the ones I call friends. So is there anything more that I should be asking for?

To My Friends

Over the last few days I have tried to define friendship and have always fallen short of words. Many a great writers and poets have written about this unique relationship, however, no one has been able to render it the requisite justice. I am not sure if it can ever be expressed in entirety, what this beautiful equation brings to each person’s life.

They say that chance makes families while choice makes friends. I am not sure if that is true, as it were not my conscious selections that bloomed into my most precious friendships. In fact I think I have been uniquely lucky in the fact that kind and gentle souls crossed my life path and decided to grant me the honour of their companionship.

It has not always been camaraderie in proximity. My closest friends, in fact, are on continents other than mine. I do not see them more than once or maximum twice in a year. But it is these individuals who I count on in times of need and who have cherished my successes more than I myself. Similarly it is enough for me to read an email, a text message or hear their voice on the phone and I can tell what is their state of mind is. It is their agony which hurts me more and their troubles can make me forget mine. And it is the thought of their absence from my life that troubles me the most.

It is not months or years that have created the bonds that are so very special to me today; it is a unique connection, an appreciative understanding of the actual person behind the name. It is the implicit faith on either side that a truthful opinion or an honest emotion will not be spurned or snapped at. I am humbled by the gift that I have received from these absolutely fantastic human beings. It does not matter whether they reside in America, Europe, Africa or India. They know who they are and they know I am indebted to them. God bless them all.

A resurrecting institution or a crumbling pillar?

Human relationships do not survive on rationale, they thrive on emotions; and binding emotions are the foundations of the most basic human relationship - friendship. The knowledge of unconditional acceptance, existence of mutual respect and trust and the presence of genuine affection. It is hard to imagine that with these ingredients in place, there would be fragility in any relationship (occasional feeling of vulnerability maybe) let alone friendship. If this foundation forms the basis of a marriage, strengthens with time and the individuals grow in tandem, why should that marriage be deemed fragile?

For one, marriage can be viewed as limiting and curtailing individual freedom. Logic nevertheless insinuates that where there is mutual respect there is space for both partners to achieve their ambitions. Unconditional acceptance on the other hand results in complementing a partner’s perceived weaknesses by lending support. Affection facilitates compromises which call for a slight challenge, parking the so called ego on the roadside while traveling on life’s journeys.

A second reason is external interference - the perception of our society on what married life should be. It could range from what the role of a man and woman in a marriage should be to how the couple appear in public to what constitutes a “family”. External interference becomes a concern when it bothers either of the two stakeholders of marriage who makes an “issue” out of this external noise. Once again, a simple view I have is that mutual respect and trust lend confidence to adopt honest sharing and aid in devising a solution that works for the couple.

Intolerance and impatience are a combined third culprit which could potentially weaken the foundation of marriage. Acknowledging that not a single one of us is perfect should ward away intolerance. Even Gandhi was not perfect! And the fact that time takes it own course should help us deal with impatience.

In the Indian context, a fourth very important factor is “arranged” marriage. In the true sense of the word, the marriage is arranged by elders of the family. Little or no choice is given to the two people expected to commit for life, on how they feel about the alliance. No argument can support that a relationship created thus is susceptible to significant weakness. This was the only route available to older Indian generations. It did lead to several unhappy marriages which continued to ferment in their sorrows due to societal pressures. However, with the current generation having a choice to pick who they want to spend their life and grow old with; with increased levels of awareness and understanding, why should the institution be deemed fragile. It should only become stronger or so I would “rationally” conclude.

I could be looking at things simplistically; however, life is what we make out of it. It is as simple as we keep it or as complicated as we weave it to become. Marriage has been the pillar of modern society for a long time, and if it has stood the test of time there must be some merit in the institution. The perception is ours and the decision to challenge our views and beliefs is solely ours. While marriage is not fragile it is not tamper proof either. But then life itself is not invincible, is it?