Finding Faith

“When we give in to love, we take charge of our lives. When we give in to fear, we lose control of our lives. So do not fear but continue your journey and you will find your destiny.”  At a very young age, when I feared venturing into the unexpected, a teacher had told me this. It helped me on a journey where I began to understand myself more and could spend the time when I had very few friends with great ease.   But then as years went by, I began to understand the deeper meaning of this phrase.

The starkest moment when this phrase became the tipping point in my life was in the early 2000s. I had been struggling to find a job. Many an interview had come and gone. I was working hard, and I was persistent. Yet fear had started to get the better of me; what if I had to return home…what if I had to lean on the family to find a job…what if…My confidence had taken a beating and I was at the lowest of the low points in my life. At that point in my life, I was the recipient of the generosity of two friends who had kindly allowed me to share their living space even though I could not contribute to the rent. Having grown up in an all women house, this was a new situation for me and added to that was my job situation. I was miserable and for the first time in my life I was not sure where my dreams and heart had led me to. Maybe I was just being a romantic!

In a tormented state of mind, I walked along the Thames, and stared across at the lit Westminster. As dusk turned into night the reflections of the Parliament suddenly made me remember what the teacher had told me long ago. It got me thinking and I began to feel some pride. I had been brave to move to a completely unknown country and work from scratch to find myself a job. Just as I was starting to feel a bit worthy, L called. She was going to visit her mother and I was free to stay at her apartment for the weekend. What a blessed opportunity of privacy! I grabbed it with both hands!

I will always be grateful to L for she was the third person to support me through that tough period. Anyway, Friday evening I entered L’s cosy and warm apartment intent on soaking in a hot bath. But as I started to run the bath I desperately desired a book. That evening I just wanted to read and listen to music as I pampered myself. Walking over to L’s bookshelf I came across The Alchemist, a book that has been my go-to for almost ever now. I grabbed it and in the bath opened it at random. As I read the words in front of me, I felt as if they were meant only for me. The following is what I read, “before  a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward the dream. That’s the point at the which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon. Every search begins with beginner’s luck. And evert search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.”

Munching my dinner of grilled halloumi and corn I remember feeling grateful for those words to have appeared. I had given in to fears and had forgotten what it was like to be open to love and opportunity. The following Monday I had the interview which I converted into a job and as they say the rest is history.

But why am I writing this today? Because I woke up with a feeling that the world is becoming an unsafe, unhappy and intolerant place. What with the Copenhagen mall shooting, the assassination of Padma Vibhushan Shinzo Abe, the Russia – Ukraine war etc. The family health issues have been a nagging worry for some weeks now and it seems that since Little Springsteen had his accident, health of family members has needed attention. And then there are other issues that have been simmering at the back. These past weeks, for all of the above reasons, have been now I realise more focussed on my fears than the love and faith that has always helped me navigate and find happiness.

The most recent example is my strong belief that Little Springsteen would make it back home. Yes there were many touch and go moments and there was all the agony that my little angel went through. And yet he is home, now even writing with his feet, already! His treatment is not over but this is the time for him to gain strength and then we go to the prosthetics but what victory! He was in the hospital for sixty days and of that forty in the ICU having undergone multiple surgeries! But I was always confident he would make it and he did! So today I am closing the doors on my fear and inviting my love and faith to guide me once again. As said the Alchemist, “Everything is written in the Soul of the World and there it will stay forever.”

 

The Mist and The Magic - A Question of Faith?

There comes a point in each person’s life where there is mist clouding the path ahead, and however hard one tries there is no way forward apparent to the human eye. The tumultuous market environment of the last few weeks has been one such point in the lives of a number of finance professionals. Non-existent revenue generation opportunities, endangered job situations, tanking markets and hence pensions, increased living costs, the ensuing winter – gloom and doom seems to be all around. Government bail outs provided a glimmer hope on one day but the next day the hedge fund redemptions took all joy out of the world that was only beginning to smile. When hopes came crashing down it was a sad world out there..

I was not a happy camper and the black driver who picked me up late last night from work seemed to sense my uneasiness. Adept at conversing with people in myriad moods, these gentlemen sometimes give a perspective on life which can really make one think long and hard. What was my worry I was asked. No visibility on any recent revenue generation – not to worry, many were in a worse position as they did not even have the opportunity to contribute to a P&L. Job security – well for the time being I am in safe hands, so why was I worried about three months hence. Worst case scenario – I could do the PhD I have been contemplating, start working for CNN or BBC (always an option it seems….) or go back to India and work with street children which I have always wanted to do. Tanking markets – I still have a long way to go before I need to really start worrying about my pension it seemed! That made me smile.

I was told that my current problem is that I am trying too hard to second guess God and my problem in the future could be trying to adjust to a lower pay scale maybe. The conversation ended on that note as I had reached home.

Now I am thinking and trying to understand if I am really trying to second guess God (or destiny or fate or Maktub). Yes I am, because I am scared of not achieving what I have set out to. I would like to safeguard myself and my ambitions. I would like to have a set of options available to me if things do not work out as planned. However, the more I think about the worrisome situation, the more negative and anxious I become. Anxiety yields nothing but leads to actions which are not fully thought out and hence can result in dire consequences. The sensible choice thus would be to leave the mist to its own being and wait for it to clear so that the way ahead can be seen.

The difficulty in that is that I would like to have control in the way tomorrow shapes and I would like to have made my choice yesterday. Am I being fair to myself and my ambitions with this lack of patience? I do not know. What I do know though is that it is time for me not to beat myself up for the small things in life that are not in my control. What I also am beginning to realise is that I need to have faith, faith that things will fall into place and I will achieve my ambitions for which I have worked long and hard. It is like Al said when he called last week, “it is when you start to believe that the magic beings to happen”. I hope I can truly start believing in the good as I would love to see the magic happen….Wouldn't you?