Finding Faith

“When we give in to love, we take charge of our lives. When we give in to fear, we lose control of our lives. So do not fear but continue your journey and you will find your destiny.”  At a very young age, when I feared venturing into the unexpected, a teacher had told me this. It helped me on a journey where I began to understand myself more and could spend the time when I had very few friends with great ease.   But then as years went by, I began to understand the deeper meaning of this phrase.

The starkest moment when this phrase became the tipping point in my life was in the early 2000s. I had been struggling to find a job. Many an interview had come and gone. I was working hard, and I was persistent. Yet fear had started to get the better of me; what if I had to return home…what if I had to lean on the family to find a job…what if…My confidence had taken a beating and I was at the lowest of the low points in my life. At that point in my life, I was the recipient of the generosity of two friends who had kindly allowed me to share their living space even though I could not contribute to the rent. Having grown up in an all women house, this was a new situation for me and added to that was my job situation. I was miserable and for the first time in my life I was not sure where my dreams and heart had led me to. Maybe I was just being a romantic!

In a tormented state of mind, I walked along the Thames, and stared across at the lit Westminster. As dusk turned into night the reflections of the Parliament suddenly made me remember what the teacher had told me long ago. It got me thinking and I began to feel some pride. I had been brave to move to a completely unknown country and work from scratch to find myself a job. Just as I was starting to feel a bit worthy, L called. She was going to visit her mother and I was free to stay at her apartment for the weekend. What a blessed opportunity of privacy! I grabbed it with both hands!

I will always be grateful to L for she was the third person to support me through that tough period. Anyway, Friday evening I entered L’s cosy and warm apartment intent on soaking in a hot bath. But as I started to run the bath I desperately desired a book. That evening I just wanted to read and listen to music as I pampered myself. Walking over to L’s bookshelf I came across The Alchemist, a book that has been my go-to for almost ever now. I grabbed it and in the bath opened it at random. As I read the words in front of me, I felt as if they were meant only for me. The following is what I read, “before  a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward the dream. That’s the point at the which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon. Every search begins with beginner’s luck. And evert search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.”

Munching my dinner of grilled halloumi and corn I remember feeling grateful for those words to have appeared. I had given in to fears and had forgotten what it was like to be open to love and opportunity. The following Monday I had the interview which I converted into a job and as they say the rest is history.

But why am I writing this today? Because I woke up with a feeling that the world is becoming an unsafe, unhappy and intolerant place. What with the Copenhagen mall shooting, the assassination of Padma Vibhushan Shinzo Abe, the Russia – Ukraine war etc. The family health issues have been a nagging worry for some weeks now and it seems that since Little Springsteen had his accident, health of family members has needed attention. And then there are other issues that have been simmering at the back. These past weeks, for all of the above reasons, have been now I realise more focussed on my fears than the love and faith that has always helped me navigate and find happiness.

The most recent example is my strong belief that Little Springsteen would make it back home. Yes there were many touch and go moments and there was all the agony that my little angel went through. And yet he is home, now even writing with his feet, already! His treatment is not over but this is the time for him to gain strength and then we go to the prosthetics but what victory! He was in the hospital for sixty days and of that forty in the ICU having undergone multiple surgeries! But I was always confident he would make it and he did! So today I am closing the doors on my fear and inviting my love and faith to guide me once again. As said the Alchemist, “Everything is written in the Soul of the World and there it will stay forever.”

 

Tossed in Tosca

I have always loved music. It can safely be said my one true passion in life is music, especially classical music (both Indian and Western). Hence, when a few weeks ago Zoltan emailed asking if I wanted to go to the opera, I was more than delighted. He is one person who enjoys the finer things in life, and if he was recommending Tosca then there was little chance I would regret my decision.

The day of the opera had not been the best. Both Zoltan and I had a stressful day. We were both not in the best of spirits. I was probably worse than he was, when in all honesty he had more reasons to be infuriated and angry. That is what I admire about Zoltan; he is forever looking forward and optimistic. He knows how to take life as it comes or as they say “go with the flow”. Anyway, we decided to go for a quick drink before the opera and I was yawning most of the time. So before we took our seats, Zoltan quietly mentioned “dude go to sleep if you want to. I will wake you up for the best pieces”. I smiled; the probability of me falling asleep was high. This was a melodrama and a tragedy - two lovers conned by fate and a tyrant attain their union only in death. After an awful day an intense opera was not my idea of relaxation.

I braced myself as the conductor approached the orchestra. However, the first strains of melody came filtering through like a cool breeze on a hot day. As the first act progressed there were no indications of heavy grey music. There was a touch of gloom where required but overall the intensity was controlled. The singers and the orchestra seemed to draw out all the negativity from within me, leaving me feeling extremely relaxed. I was not the only one who felt this way. Zoltan shared my perception. In the interval, as we sat on the terrace overlooking Covent Garden, an elderly couple on the next table seemed to echo our views. The gentleman had seen Tosca over half a dozen times and in his view each performance highlighted a different aspect, enabling him to appreciate the opera even more.

After three acts performed over three hours, I left the opera house filled with appreciation for the music, the acting and the production. It had been the perfect antidote to the miserable day and also an insightful initiation into a new world.

Zoltan and I discussed the opera over dinner. Soon the discussion went into a more philosophical direction and Zoltan was at his absolute best. He said some very profound things that evening (and made a point - they need to go on my blog). The first one was that it is not up to us to control everything in life. What we can, however, control is how we react to situations and circumstances. Every individual must have the capacity to take life one day at a time knowing that there is a certain path that the Supreme Being has carved for her. At the same time he said that we while we all have our destinies planned, making an effort towards achieving our aims is up to us. That I do believe is true. There is no point in wanting to be rich without working hard and attempting to be efficient with taxes and savings!

In Zoltan’s opinion the foremost responsibility of every human being is to be honest to oneself. That in his view is what leads to happiness and realization of destinies. In his view, there is no point in relying on external factors to bring emotional stability. I do agree with the view. In the end, if we are not honest with ourselves, there is no way that we can be happy let alone reach our destiny.

While we were discussing this, I was taken back to my days when I was looking for a job in London. There were a lot of people who told me that I would not succeed and I should head back to India. There was one particular day when I was really thinking hard on returning to Bombay when I chanced upon this passage in The Alchemist. “….before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward the dream. That’s the point at which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the dessert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon’. Every search begins with beginners luck. And every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.” For some reason this made an impact on me and I decided to stick on and fight it out. The rest as they say is history.

I believe this is what Zoltan was also trying to say. Hardships do come our way; however, we should not shy away from them or be demoralized. In the end, if we continue to hold on to our beliefs, take the challenges of life as they come and do our best to reach our aims, then we find the way to our destiny and the universe helps us in our attempt.

The messages from Zoltan and from Tosca have been profound. Do I understand them completely, I am not sure. Do I appreciate my friend and the opera, absolutely. Do I recommend Tosca and the Alchemist, most definitely. And as far as Zoltan is concerned, I guess not everyone is lucky to have a friend like mine! Cheers to Zoltan and to Tosca!