Music & I

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Through the multiple schools of childhood where I carefully made friends, through all the turbulent and exhilarating years of adolescence and then through the journey across countries and companies as an adult; I have had one steadfast companion, one constant, and that has been music. With both parents being ardent music lovers I believe music is a blessing that I inherited from them. They furthered that interest and left no stone unturned to get us exposure to varied genres, and musical education both vocal and instrumental. 

A large part of summer holidays were spent at Nana Nani house in Jaipur. Mother had grown up there and had the fortune to have learnt under Pandit Vishwa Mohan Bhatt. So she was hopeful that one of her daughters would also have that luck. I was the chosen one, maybe because she had caught me multiple times recording songs that I heard playing on the many LPs at home. I went to Guruji to learn the Sitar at the onset. A restless me found it quite a tall ask to sit in the required position for the duration of the class. I would shift and fidget. So after the first few classes he told mother that maybe she should be less hopeful, which is when she requested that he teach me vocal. At her request he mustered courage to give me one more shot. Well I passed that litmus test and during those holidays I learnt from him; my fortune. 

As a child I had no appreciation for the depth of Hindustani Classical. I enjoyed it tremendously though and with all modesty I say that potentially at that age I could read the notes of a bandish and put the melody together, a task that today is nearly impossible for me. Tiwari sir was a very soft spoken and patient musician. He used to play the tabla at school and mother requested him to train me in Hindustani Classical while school was in session. He kindly agreed and I was introduced to the Bhatkhande system. Why do I remember these details to date is because of one particular incident. 

I was probably seven or eight years old when I was told at school that I would need to perform two songs at the annual day - one Hindustani Classical and one Western composition. Both teachers said that I could select what I wanted to sing and get it cleared from them. English was easy. I went to Yashoda ma'am saying I wanted to sign Abba's I have a dream, a song which to this day is one of my favourites. She consented and agreed to train me! Bless her. To this day I hesitatingly share my bhajans and writings with her. I just cannot disappoint her after all the efforts she put into us lot.

So one song decided, I began to search for the Hindustani Classical bandish. Not sure why, but I was a lot more particular about this one and so sat with the Bhatkhande book daily until one fine day I stumbled on two that captivated me. One was a raag Yaman composition and the other was raag Asawari. I do not understand the raag system well even today, back then I was a total illiterate in that respect. Tiwari Sir made the final selection and Asawari is what he taught me, with a Tarana and all. I remember that composition to date down to the last swar. How blessed were those days. 

After that, summer holidays were not with Guruji. Why, I don't know and before that thought even crops up in your mind, no the reason was not the restless or the fidgety me. However, instead we had a masterji come to Nana Nani house to teach bhajans to all of us cousins. That was my favourite time of the day and it used to be my endeavour to please him the most as well and be his favourite disciple. Here is what that led to. 

Masterji used to come in the evenings and have his evening tea while we kids had our evening milk. Given that we were at the grandparents' house, milk meant cold coffee, a luxury that was a mere dream for the remainder of the year. So there came a point where I decided that I would make masterji's tea and the cousins' cold coffee. I was probably nine or ten and no more. The family's trusted helping hand, Mr Lanky, was there to supervise and guide. Except for one day I could not find the ground sugar powder that went into the coffee. I waited but Mr Lanky was not making his way to the kitchen. So I went into Nani's bhandarghar (pantry) and after opening a few boxes found the white powder. I put that into the smaller container that had its place in the kitchen and went about my chore. I gave tea to masterji and cold coffee to the cousins. Masterji drank his tea but the cousins said that the cold coffee tasted different. Who cared about siblings when masterji was happy. So I turned a deaf ear. 

The next day a similar reaction came my way and I returned my indifference. The third day one cousin complained of stomach ache at night and we all wondered what had we eaten but no one could put a finger on anything. Nani house seldom had food from outside. So the next evening as I was making tea for masterji, I decided that the stomach ache candidate should not drink cold coffee and took out one glass less. That is when Mr Lanky walked in. He asked me why there was one less glass and I said that cold coffee may not be the best beverage for someone with a stomach ache and authoritatively asked him to pass me the small container of powdered sugar. He was wasting my time. I had to get the tea quickly to masterji. As Mr Lanky was passing me the container he removed the lid and shouted in horror , " is this what you have been putting in the cold coffee!" An indignant me said, "yes. I found it all by myself when you were not here to guide and I also give this fine sugar to masterji". Oh he burst into splits! Apparently I had been using flour, as in plain white refined flour, in my tea and coffee instead of powdered sugar! That explained the stomach ache to everyone and to my embarassment in front of masterji. He was gracious though and said nothing but only smiled. I am red as a tomato even as I write this....

Back to music. Masterji taught us a number of bhajans but two have stuck with me for their melodies and yearning. One is Surdas' "Prabhuji more avagun chit na dharo" and the other one is the raag Yaman based "Sada Shiva bhaja man nisdan". Masterji's tutelage, apart from that one incident was very uneventful or so it seemed then, but today I realise that it was that early learning which instilled in me the appreciation for bhajans and the emotions that it brings out. Masterji's deep voice along with the harmonium reverberates in my ears even today. I wish I could go back to those days..

Coming to think of it Yashoda ma'am and masterji both have to be credited for introducing me to folk music and patriotic songs. Masterji taught us Rajasthani folk songs which also helped me pick up Marwari, a language that amongst sisters and cousins probably I have the best grasp on. Oh of course this is not a modesty post; or was it supposed to be! Oops! One of the most memorable Rajasthani folk songs he taught is the fun filled "Anjan ki seeti mein mharo man dole" completely ruined by Bollywood's insistence to modernise almost everything! Yashoda ma'am's contribution to my musical memories is endless but the top one has to be "Himadri tung shring se prabhudh shudh bharti", a Jaishankar Prasad poem set to music that is a tribute and a call of duty to the armed forces.

As we moved to Malaysia we were introduced to the Organ. I described then as a combination of the keyboard and the Piano. Father insisted that we use the opportunity to acquaint ourselves with the Western classics. So a tutor came to teach us and an Organ was purchased (it still is with us albeit only ornamentally). Bonsai refused to learn and got away with it. Sequoia excelled at reading music and was the teacher's pet. I on the other hand, enjoyed playing by ear and could reproduce the melody with my eyes closed but abhorred reading notation. As a result I was an average and slow student. While this was not a mutually satisfactory relationship, it was this period that I delved deeper into the old Bollywood classics. And that started a love affair which continues to date. 

Going to school, across the border in Singapore seemed glamarous but was arduous. My classmates spoke Chinese, a language that todate is foreign to me. I had just a friend or two and for a people person like me it was an identity crisis. That's when music came to my rescue. The local radio played old Bollywood classics at night. So once everyone was asleep, I would sneak downstairs to where the music system was, switch on the radio and spend time with my one steadfast companion. It brought me peace, joy and hope. I would dream and smile and wait for times where I was more content. 

When we moved to Mumbai mother decided it was time to restart my training. Once again I was lucky to find a teacher who was a great Ghazal singer. His classes were strenuous but extremely intriguing. It taught me breath control like I had never experienced before. I got hooked to Jagjit Singh and must have spent tonnes of pocket money buying his music. This was also the time that country music came into my life and John Denver and Shania Twain were in my top 5. But this period too was short lived as engineering became the reality of my life. Music in varied forms stayed in my life but the discipline of practice and training stopped. 

As I moved to London, Opera and I made acquaintance and started to enjoy each other's company. I also started listening to Western classical, fusion, world and Hindustani Classical music. It was a period where my knowledge of music genres grew. Whether it was a Bon Jovi concert or a U2 concert, whether it was Pandit Vishwa Mohan Bhatt or Ustaad Zakir Hussain performing, whether it was the Opera or the Jazz club; I was soaking in regular performances. Pizzas with jazz became an event to save for. Mama Mia, Phantom of the Opera were seen twice or thrice over. It was a time that made me musically richer and monetarily more disciplined to be able to afford the musical  richness! 

Finally when I moved back to India the Benevolent One decided that it was time I restarted my Hindustani Classical training. He wrote a note for the karta dharta of Bhartiya Vidya Bhavan. I knew once I went there with that note I would get into the class I wanted. But I was probably not ready yet and so I tarried in indecision. It was next father's turn to twist my ears a bit. He called a family acquaintance asking for a guru for me. One was duly suggested, however, guruji's condition was that he would come and meet the family. If he found us to be musically inclined only then would he accept me a student. Wow! This was almost like a pre cursor to an arranged marriage proposal. And before your mind starts conjuring images there was no nervousness or display. But it was a judgement day just like that. 

Guruji took to father immediately and it was more because of him that he took me on as a student. The day of the first class the tanpura started and I was asked to just sing the Shadja or the Sa. All the efforts of all my earlier teachers, the inheritance of parents and the years of listening did bear fruit and I hit the note immediately and was in tune. Guruji listened for 50seconds and then asked me to stop. He heaved a sigh of relief saying, " after I accepted you as a disciple I realised that I had not heard you. What if you were tone deaf or had no idea about swar! These had been bothering me, but you have potential. And I will work with you." That was literally music to my ears, literally! 

So my courtship with classical music began and since the last five or six years Hindustani classical, old Bollywood classics and bhajans have been my go to music. In between I do turn to other genres of course and to Abhijit Pohankar's fusion music, but what brings me solace is the former. 

Once I started riyaz I started enjoying sitting with music. I became less hesitant to mother listening to my riyaz. In fact I liked her inputs from time to time. On nights that I worked late I would think if I should sleep in late and postpone class but the drive to improve kept me from cancelling. What I realised on the contrary was that even with less sleep, a music class helped me put in the same number of hours with the same energy. I started recording our sessions and would listen to them in the car. It helped me spot errors and improve. I was enjoying. And then as I broke out of the constraints of my range, my paternal grandmother passed on. Classes were put on hold for a month and a half. When we restarted I had lost some ground and so took time to get back to the pace of learning I enjoyed. As I got to that level and started enjoying, the Benevolent One decided it was time for Him to transcend to His abode in heaven. It was blow and a big one. But He had wished me to learn and so I restarted. Work had been mentally wringing which was having physical consequences but I kept learning and was growing slowly. It was one foot in front of the other. Music kept me sane through those times. And then when I found my mojo again Nani passed on. 

That 25th January as we landed in Delhi and Sequoia texted to say she and Pape Smurf were at the airport I knew Nani did not wait for us to reach. But it also struck me hard that everytime I was beginning to enjoy music I had lost someone. Was this a relationship that got me bad luck. Was this a relationship that was not meant to be. These thoughts paralysed my momentum and I stopped learning. 

Soon Covid hit and in person classes were not possible. Guruji called. We could do whatsapp and / or zoom classes. But my fear and anxiety had a strong hold on me. I was unable to get out of that mindset but I could not live without singing. So I started singing a bhajan every weekend. For accompanying music I played the keyboard and then later discovered a karaoke app. Slowly I was singing and recording more than bhajans. It became a nightly ritual to sing one song before going to bed. My bhajans got appreciation and the most validating appreciation came from mother who knows this kala so well. I started to feel maybe I could have music in my life and it was not a doomed relationship.

The thought to give music and me another chance was brewing in my head, when Guruji called again. They say you don't accept a Guru. It is a Guru who decides that he wants to invest in you, guide you and help you learn. In my case, his call demonstrated just that. Guruji called. We spoke and the next thing I know we are fixing a date to restart. 

As I wait to meet Hindustani Classical again, I am excited and I am nervous. Music is important to me and I want this relationship to succeed. I do not want to think ahead and I do not want to jinx it. I am soaring as well as I am hesitating. And because I want the universe to help me in my journey I took pen to paper and am writing this down, hoping that with all of it out there the Gods will have mercy and will help me attain my dream this time round. 

Keep tuned in for my progress...