Perception, Perfection and Me

 "आग अभी है। राख जम गई है, हटानी पड़ेगी। पर आग अभी है।" 

As we were coming to the end of the last class, Guruji said this to me and the validation I got boosted my spirits. He had started to teach me a Raga Ahir Bhairav bandish, an absolute favourite of mine, that he had first taught me in 2016. While most of it I was comfortable with, there was one point where I had to break the intonations into the individual notes and get the timings coordinated with the notes correctly. I was a bit unhappy and Guruji caught that. It was at that point that he said the above. 

The minute he said what he did, I heaved a sigh of relief. Suddenly I acknowledged what my subconscious knew potentially, six Sigma will come; but in due course with the required riyaz. Also music is a journey for me and not every shabd needs to have a harkat. Meaning not every word needs to be intonation nuanced. If it happens at this stage it's a blessing, but it is not the most critical to furthering my learning. 

This afternoon as I was sitting on my spreadsheet, I was facing frustration as there was one correlation that I was unable to put down into the logic that would create the building block of one small aspect of this larger work. Not that it was the most important to complete my analysis but for some reason it was just important for me to get to the six Sigma stage, and get there just then. As I kept going back and forth with the workings, Guruji's words and my learning from the class suddenly sprung to mind. Knowing that approximation was an acceptable solution I closed the task at hand and took on solving the correlation separately.   

As I am working past midnight, still only 70% of the way there, I am wondering why is it so imp for me to nail this very small assumption to the final level of perfection. I know that the cost benefit analysis of this solution is not worthy of the perfection I am seeking and yet I continue to sacrifice sleep for the same. This over engineering is what I have always warned my team to avoid. So clearly I am stuck here not because of the need but its something else. And as the perfection is avoiding me I started to write, hoping that some clarity will emerge. 

The need for perfection, I realise as I am writing and thinking, comes from two places - (i) as a leader you only have few occasions to be vulnerable  and so have to over prepare always (ii) as a woman I have always over prepared to ensure that I knew my work made sense and it was not a body in a skirt that was getting acknowledgement or acceptance. 

Both the reasons above have always driven me to give my best but have also put me under a tremendous amount of stress and sometimes undue stress too.  One instance, as I look back on, was an episode where my stress was moronic and yet in the drive to strive ahead I almost gave my power away. 

A novice first time banker in the world's financial capital, I was running two deals simultaneously. One was a cross border transaction with teams spanning three time zones - UK, Germany, Taiwan and Hong Kong. It was the first ever Asian transaction for our team. The second was a structured transaction, where the deal structure that was being put together was a global first, and no one knew how to price the instrument. In these unchartered waters, I, a rookie banker, had been entrusted with the responsibility of running the Asian deal and pricing the European global first! I could not fail on either of the two and could not make the minutest of error. This was a huge responsibility and I needed help. But the one person who I could turn to, my boss,  was away for a week and according to the team secretary not contactable. I felt a little rudderless, ok maybe a bit more than little. 

To overcome my fear I did what I know best - over-prepare for that one week. On the Asian transaction I diligently liaised with the client management team, the lawyers, the sales team etc. In addition, I researched all similar transactions from the geography in the last twelve months, the company's last three transactions and went through all the documentation with a tooth comb. I labelled every page and highlighted every clause where I needed my boss' input. The idea was to have a discussion with him so that the six Sigma could be done for a perfect transaction. 

On the pricing front I split the pricing in two parts, valued each separately and prepared two logics of combining them to get a blended issue price. I ran this past a senior colleague and the sales team. Their tweaks incorporated I made copious notes to discuss with my boss on his return. Having done all this I felt in control. 

The afternoon the MD returned to office I went through both the transactions with him. As the discussion progressed he suggested that I leave the Asian deal documents and papers with my highlights and notes with him to be discussed the next morning at seven. He would go through the same at night. The pricing we discussed and had clear actionables on. I felt more in control and confident. Kong, a dear colleague, had organised a dinner for a few of us from the team at a Jazz club that evening. I was really looking forward to that night out. Yet I wanted to ensure that I was all set for the 7:00am meeting and so asked the gang to carry on and would join them soon. 

Three quarters of an hour after they left I made my way to the tube station and hopped on the train to get to a good evening of music and friends. I caught a power nap on the underground and had a skip in my step as l I exited the tube station. Suddenly I froze. I had five voice mails from my boss. He was trying to reach me and given that I was in the underground there was no signal. So he left five very nasty messages including one telling me how I was completely irresponsible to not be reachable when we had two large deals brewing for launch. My confidence, my excitement and my composure; all blew away with cold London wind. On the one hand I was livid. Was I truly the one who was irresponsible or unavailable! On the other hand I was stressed. Maybe I should have done the six Sigma and informed him that I would not be available for the next forty minutes! And it was in this very uncomfortable mental framework that I walked into the Jazz club. 

Kong saw my face and he knew something was amiss. Much older and wiser, the German lawyer and I had developed a friendship where he truly looked out for me. Drawing me aside he asked me what bothered me and I gave him the complete picture - factual and emotional. His response was simple. He took my phone away from me and asked me to enjoy the music. But if I did not call back I would be seen as even more irresponsible! Not according to him. There was no way I could reach perfection when the expectation was unfair and unjust. And so I had to acknowledge the fact and move on. I took his sage advice, which then did not seem so,  but for which today I am very grateful. 

The next morning, I faced music. I was reprimanded for not being available and for being irresponsible. The deals' success meant a lot of income and brand building and I had to deliver perfection. As the barrage continued, at one point I suddenly I realised my own folly. I was attempting perfection in delivery where it mattered but I was bothered about perfection in perception that I could not control. How I reacted I will never forget. I stood up, very politely and calmly pointed out that I had a perfect set of documents awaiting inputs and I had done all within my power to ensure that the pricing structures were logical and market palatable. Then as I walked towards the door, I requested that we resume the discussion with the transactions in mind when the gentleman had regained his calm and composure. My actions suddenly decompressed me. All the weight on my shoulders seemed to have disappeared and I was now in control of what was needed and what was not. 

To complete the story above, both deals were a tremendous success. That is the one time in my life that I did not sleep for a straight 52 hours. But the result was worth the sacrifice. My boss, however, did not share the success rate with me. He had to make me know that I was a minion. I got that from another colleague in the team. But it did not bother me. I realised that on the perception front I could never be perfect. 

As I am concluding, reminiscing and writing this piece, close to 2:30am, I realise that not getting this correlation right does not make my entire working illogical or incorrect but an approximation. However, that approximation in itself  is a great outcome and significant enough to be able to make a truly well informed decision. So I have decided not to continue this struggle. I will pause, rest my brain and I am sure that in due course I will be able to get this correlation right as well. But till then I will continue my learning and my journey knowing that other avenues deserve a bit more of me than this one tiny issue that has troubled me for the last many hours.