It's The Small Things

The last few weeks have been a reminder on how it is the small things that really help make or break just about anything - relationships, work processes, safety of people and security of assets. The big things everyone takes care of, but it is the neglect of the small things that adds up to create that one big event that maybe could have been prevented. 

I will not be cryptic anymore. To start with, I will take a personal example. Walking with my sister on a particular day I felt a twinge in my ankle. We were out to run eraands and I was in New York, not where I live. So I ignored it as I did not want to be a burden. The next day, out for lunch the ankle really started whining so I told her to slow down and then again ignored it. When we reached home that evening for a dinner with cousins I opened my shoes to find the darned joint swollen. It was at this point I remembered the suffering of an old ankle ligament tear and the six weeks I had spent in case. So mortified of being there again, I started to ice, elevate and took anti inflammatory as I have never been prescribed before. Fortunately in this case it was not too late but it did take some joy out of the trip. Only if I had paid attention on day one! And while my doctor back in India has given me a clean chit he has also advised to stay away from the heels. Now you see, I do not know if that is a BIG thing or a small thing. Till I make up my mind I am going with three days a week with heels. Vanity may just get me but what can I say....

The above is probably no harm no foul. What I faced next is major. So I had lent a mobile to a friend who was visiting India. Not a sim card but only the mobile. Data was erased and it was practically empty. As he was leaving the country he said he would leave the handset with the conceirge at the hotel and I could pick it up. When I did, I strangely found that the handset was unlocked. I enquired and he mentioned that as this was a temporary device and not his, he had not warranted to create a digital lock. Not what I would have done but ok. I once again erased the phone and put it away. A couple of days later the same friend called telling me that he was getting lewd emails with India contact numbers. I was stunned. We were trying to understand how someone got his email address when I realised that his phone, out of his custody was with the conceirge. Was there any chance that his mail ID had been active on that? Bingo! There. A small act of oversight created nuisance for him!

This still is potentially being left a little too easily. I think its the next one that is keeping me awake this Sunday night. Sunday before last was our building had its AGM followed by lunch. As this clashed with a pooja at home the AGM had to be skipped. However, after the AGM I insisted on finishing my work and then going down for lunch. Well I would miss meeting those who would leave early but at least I would meet the others. So I attended to what I thought was important and then made my way to the lunch. It was a delightful event and it was so good to be meeting everyone, so freely, after all this time. What I did not realise was that I had lost my last opportunity to meet with one of our residents, a jovial individual who would always smile and have a conversation. Suddenly yesterday he passed away due to a heart attack! Within thirty minutes it was all over! And I had the chance but I lost it. 

It was a small thing to have met my neighbours but it became a big thing today. The big thing of two weeks back I now realise I would have anyway taken care of as it was BIG. But in the bargain that I made the small thing cost me more. So as I am trying to sleep, I am trying to tell myself that maybe its the small things that really do matter and I need to be more attentive towards them. 

Adios amigos and may you all have a great week ahead!

A weekend thought

It has been the most interesting cab ride in a long time and probably the only one where the post ride mind was lost in thought. As I hailed a normal black and yellow cab to get to work this morning, there was a lot on my mind. I was trying to answer messages and emails so that I could get into problem solving as soon as I stepped into the office. But when I told the driver where to go and then started to explain, he said to me 'tell me the name of the building and it will suffice. I have been driving a taxi for 34 years now.' True to his word he knew not only my office building but all the adjoining ones by name and in some knew which organisations were housed.

However, what made this an intersting journey was not his remark about just wanting the building name. From there on a conversation started which gave me details of his daughter's recent wedding where he spent INR 12 lacs and on how a large part of that went towards a washing machine, clothes, jewellery etc; all of which his daughter wanted. A Muslim man, he exclaimed, he was blessed that a Hindu boy who was his elder son's friend had gifted him a cooler which is also something his daughter desired as a part of her gifts. He felt that he had been treated kindly by the world and was grateful that despite struggles that he faced, there were those he could count on. His thankfulness was refreshing. 

As we were nearing my office, his stories over, he asked me a question. He wanted to know when was I the most let down by someone. I thought for a while and said it was when someone with a lot of means had fought unfairly for their material gains and then denied a well earned small bonus to someone whose income was about one twentieth of theirs! Accepting my response he went on to ask me when did I think I was treated most insensitively by someone. And he wanted to know further if this was something I would call insensitive even if I handed the same behaviour to any other human being. This was an interesting question and I did not have an immediate response as we were standing in the porch of the building. He left me saying the day we would meet again he would like to hear my response. 

I first began to wonder if I had treated him with disdain, arrogance, unfairly or unjustly. I realised my conversation was polite, I courteously listened to his stories and had paid him an upward rounded fare. So I was certain that he was not pointing towards me but given the flow of our interaction it was more his idea of understanding people. And so I began to think of what treatment by others made me feel that they have been insensitive and I would not like to do that to anyone because I would not like them to feel as hurt as I felt. 

At the end of the day, on my journey home, the answer came to me. The most insensitive treatment has been the silent treatment and that is something I never ever dish out, not even to those who hurt me the same way in the past. The first time it was done was by a close friend. He just did not call back and then took shelter under the excuse of a lot of work. I explained to him that it was insensitive and especially as I had requested he call back because I needed help. He apologized but then the same occured on a number of other occasions. While I decided not to rely on this friend for help anymore or for him to be there, I still return his calls and messages. To date I have always told him that his silence on multiple occasions was insensitive and that made me take my call of not relying on him. He says to hear this hurts him but I would rather be honest than give him the silent treatment. At least it gives him calrity and a fair chance if he wants one.

Similar instances with acquaintances have also occured where they have just been silent and not communicated and then sprung out of the blue wanting a familiar conversation. I have responded, always. Sometimes with firmness and sometimes with a casual response but always with empathy. I do not believe that any human being we interact with, for some period of time, with some common agenda deserves the silent treatment.

Communication is the way the natural ecosystem flourishes. And while silence communicates more than it does not, it also is a blatant dismissal or a very in your face ignoring of another human being which is neither compassionate nor empathetic. I would not give that to anyone and the instances that I have faced this have been the times I felt treated the most terribly. 

So as the weekend commences I vow to communicate and interact with my friends and family because they mean the world to me. And it's only my actions devoid of silence that can let them know this. Have a good one all!

Life - Fluid as a river

Life is strange and unpredictable. That probably is the most cliched sentence to start my post with. Yet, there is no other opening line to describe what I am about to pen down. 

My last visit to Lucknow had me see a hopeful Little Springsteen but worried doctors. His physical condition was improving but not his blood reports. The doctors were worried. They also told Bruce the same. Yet four days ago we felt the blessings of the Benevolent One when we could move Little Springsteen into a room. No ICU, no HDU but a private room. What progress!

As we were rejoicing I got to know that the gentleman who had toiled to get Little Springsteen admitted into KGMC, had helped organise doctor calls for us and had personally visited Little Springsteen as frequently as he could, had passed away due to a sudden heart ailment. I was stunned and shocked. He was hail and hearty, had complained of high blood pressure and then was admitted to the hospital. For two days he was apparently on a ventilator and then it was over. Here, our little fighter has been braving through suffering and pain and has beat all odds! How the tables turned! 

This morning we discussed the fact that doctors were thinking of a discharge and so we needed to find a place for Bruce and Little Springsteen to stay in Lucknow, until such time that the wound would be stitched. That was thought through and options lined up by the evening. A video call the day before had shown a smiling Little Springsteen now sitting up on his own from the lying down position. All of these were tremendously positive signs. Lots to be grateful for!

Suddenly my phone rang at about 9:00pm and it was Bruce calling. I did think it was not his normal calling time as this is when the father and son eat. Apparently, he had left Little Springsteen sitting on the bed to go wash his hands so that he could feed dinner to the little one when all of a sudden the wound started to bleed. Bruce came back to a blood soaked bed sheet. He ran for the nurse and then wore gloves, opened the dressing and pressed the wound to control the bleeding. The attending doctors were just on their way out for dinner. It was a Sunday afterall. But this happened so they rushed to the room. Giving me this update Bruce hung up. I messaged the treating doctor. Luckily, salutations to the Benevolent One, the treating doctor happened to be on site. He messaged me with the information. And then I waited. An hour and some later, the doctor himself messaged that all was under control but due to the blood loss Little Springsteen was back in ICU. How circumstances shifted again... temporarily though, I am fervently praying! 

So yeah, strange are the ways of life and unpredictable are the ways of the Universe. I am praying for a speedy recovery for Little Springsteen, some respite for Bruce and for all our prayers to be heard! May the Lord have mercy. 

Leadership and Mindfulness

I recently read this article by Dalai Lama on leadership (https://hbr.org/2019/02/the-dalai-lama-on-why-leaders-should-be-mindful-selfless-and-compassionate) where he talks of leaders being mindful, selfless and compassionate. These are all qualities that are admirable and create a difference in the way teams perform. However, there are occassions when these three can pull a leader in different directions, creating a situation where one of the three has to be given a higher priority to ensure that the collective benefits. 

A few years ago, I was in awe of a much younger colleague. She was shouldering the responsibility of the family. It took a lot of courage to have travelled her journey and be enthusiastic and happy always. While I admired her accountability to her family, soon I began to notice that she was not as responsible at work. In order to help her deliver I had an open conversation with her and spoke to the team to ensure that they supported her as well. A significant project was being led by her and that was also a key audit requirement. I sat with her to allow her to select her deadline within the available timelines. I also encouraged her manager to review the progress and highlight any surprises to me promptly. 

When the first deadline was missed I kept calm and allowed her to deliver at a new mutually agreed date. That too was missed. Her manager came complaining about her inefficiency but he was unwilling to take any action. He did not want to "damage her career" and be the "bad boss". All this meant was that the team was becoming sluggish due to one person and the manager of the team was not ready to take corrective action. As the leader of the function this meant that I had to intervene so that the organisation's and all stakeholders' interests were protected. 

I called her to have a discussion and gave her a deadline by when the deliverables needed to be complete. Lo and behold, she had decided to take an "overseas family vacation for two weeks" despite knowing the sensitivity of the task and having not delivered on three occasions. Her manager was aware of this, was not ok with it and still had approved the leave. I was flabbergasted. In my mind, both the individuals were equally at fault and I was not sure what my next step should be. So I decided to sleep over and find a solve the next day.

Thinking of being reasonable, compassionate and mindful I called the manager and her. I told her that while she could go overseas as tickets etc had been booked, she should carry her laptop and ensure that she worked from there to be able to deliver the timeline. It would mean sacrificing some fun time with the family but if she delivered early all the remaining time would be hers. The manager was not happy with the compromise but remember he had approved the leave. Her reaction was something I could not comprehend. She flatly refused to deliver the project and said that her family was more important. That meant she would not even carry her laptop and be available for calls. I was shocked and was now mindful of the implications of such behaviour on the performance culture and the company reputation. Knowing that I needed to be a leader with consequences, I told her that was my final offer else she was welcome to resign and look for another job where such poor performance, lack of ownership and no accountability would be acceptable. She found my stance to be harsh and selfish. The manager, who had problems and was not ready to tackle them himself, found me to be heartless. And yet after a lot of mindful consideration I decided that my unsympathetic and seemingly high handed decision was right for the organisation, the collective. She chose to leave. I still admire how she rose to the occassion when the family needed her but I still cannot fathom her unprofessionalism. 

The manager did not learn his lesson even with this incident though. He continued to defend the team's underperformance regularly and sometimes in group meetings. He was just not able to be tough as it was more important for him to be liked. After a couple of such instances I decided that I had to tackle this situation too else I would have taken a corrective action only in part. The next time he defended the team's poor performance in a group meeting, I declared that any manager not being able to get the deliverables from their teams in the required timelines and with the required accuracy would see the impact on their appraisals. While this is an implicit measure of a good performance management system, calling it out was what was needed. It created an impact, different from what I had expected but it improved the the team performance. 

The manager continued to be wanting to be liked, but one of his team members decided to take the accountability of ensuring the team delivered. This was such a blessing because not only did the deliverables start coming through, we had identified a high potential who was hidden till then. 

An arduous journey, the above has taught me that as an officer of the company, my duty is to the stakeholders of the organisation. That is what I am mindful of. If with that context there are difficult situations when compassion for an individual would compromise the interest of the organisation then surely the organisation will take precedence. Of course then there are cases where tragedies happen and we may need to carve another solution that is compassionate and keeps organisational imperatives in mind as well. However, I do believe that it is not always possible for a leader to only be thinking about their teams. To be fair, they need to look at their larger responsibility and then take decisions even if they same uncompassionate, selfish and harsh. Mindfulness is the biggest ally of leaders in my view thus. 

Medicine and Music

My heart was heavy. Had been since Little Springsteen had the dastardly accident. One place the mind went was what if this has all happened because I have started my music again? It's an extremely silly thought and completely illogical, but when the heart is heavy it behaves irrationally. And while I knew this at an intellectual level, I needed reassurance. To voice my fixated baseless worry I called Her, the one who understands me as much as Mother does. Her immediate revert to me was, "संगीत तो आराधना है बेटा, यह भाव तो स्वप्न में भी नहीं आना चाहिए|" And just with Her saying so I felt relieved. 

Her words are so true; music is devotion, it's pursuit is a prayer and it reaches the soul. In fact it's the only universal constant. The note can be called a Sa or a Do but will sound the same. It can be sung as Pa or So but the frequency does not change. Nothing else; not colours, not wind, not water, nothing retains its consistency across the universe. Probably that's why memory is also aided by music. From mythology to reality we know of how music helps retention and memorisation. It was the reason that Lord Shankar asked Ravana to set the Vedas to music and expecting mothers are asked to listen to music.

As my classes have progressed I can hear my own improvement, slow but audible. I am more confident in my singing and I am enjoying trying unknown songs. Most importantly I am experiencing peace and calm. It is what has given me the strength through the happenings of the last ten days and helped me relax over the last twenty four hours when the doctor called to say that the first green shoots in Little Springsteen's recovery may now be visible. 

Four days ago I stood outside the ICU waiting for Bruce to come. I was feeling vulnerable but had to be strong; afterall Bruce is the father. I looked around and my eyes could not hold any sight for more than a few seconds. On a stretcher lay a young man in pain, unable to get up. His ailment I did not know but this was a plastic surgery and burns ICU that I was outside, so I probably did not even want to know. Next to him, on the steel chair, sat a man with an arm in the sling having had the hand amputated. Further ahead was a young girl with a facial issue that had caused the left side of the face to swell up as if there was a tennis ball inserted. As she sat outside the ICU, there was an IV connected to her hand. Further down was a few months old baby, crying mildly. What caught my heart was the cannula on his tiny little hand. How tormenting must this be! And all between these patients sat the attendants and relatives of those inside the ICU. The agony in that room was overflowing and yet there were smiles and laughter, empathy and sympathy, and mutual caring and sharing. 

The lady manning the entry to the ICU was stern but in a while she softened and herself mentioned that while Bruce was with Little Springsteen she would see if the ICU doctor would meet with me. A kind and patient individual, the doctor walked out and with a smile on her face greeted me. In detail and in simple terms she explained the nature of electrical injuries and burns, how they progress and what could be the consequences. She then went on to give me Little Springsteen's prognosis and the assurance that they were doing all and more that they could. Then came the HOD, a man who is a personality and he guided me to the treating doctor. As the gentleman approached me, he saw the agony and asked me to take a seat on the couch inside the ICU entrance. He sat beside me and began to explain the treatment thus far. He also said that the full extent of the injuries would not be known till the blood markers start to stabilise but in his experience "children and more resilient. They pull through. The cardiologist is of the same view." At that point in time a tear rolled down. I could not hold that one back but then composed myself. I folded my hands and told him how grateful we were for all their efforts and generosity and ultimately we were at their mercy. He immediately corrected me to say that we are all the mercy of the Lord! 

Having spoken to the doctors I wanted to meet Little Springsteen but his wounds were being dressed. It had been a very early morning and so I decided to go for a cup of tea. Bruce and I walked to the little hole in the wall that dispensed sugary and milky tea that had been cooked for a long time on an open fire. We both sat discussing the blessings that we had encountered. He said, "दीदी ठीक हो रहा है। सब बहुत कर रहे हैं। समय तो लगेगा।" I was humbled by his strength.

The campus of King George Memorial University is huge. So as we walked back to the ICU we had time and I understood the challenges Bruce was facing. He could not sleep as in the middle of the night he was sent with blood samples to the Trauma Center for testing. Then they sent him to the chemist to get items needed for dressing the wounds. In case Little Springsteen was in pain they would call out to him again. The emotional and physical toll that he was soaking was not showing. I felt so helpless at this situation that all I could do was hear and be there as a moral support, be the elder sister he treats me as.

Once at the ICU entrance we were told that a patient had passed on and so we needed to wait till the formalities were over. I waited. Then one individual was allowed to go suddenly and meet their patient at which the security lady got upset. If they were allowed why was I being made to wait. She asked me to quickly remove my shoes and follow her inside. Not caring about the cleanliness or sanitation I followed her. I wanted to see Little Springsteen. Keeping my eyes on the floor I followed her. I wanted to ensure that I did not step on anything sharp or into a puddle. 

As I reached Little Springsteen he looked at me with full awareness. The nurse next to him told me how good a patient he was being. I saw the amputated arm and the other one in bandages. My heart was thudding. I requested Little Springsteen to eat well and promise me that he would eat orally every day. I explained that oral nutrition was critical to his becoming healthier. Telling him that his recovery was all we wanted I was heading out when I saw a completely burnt man lying on the bed next to the child's. I reverted my gaze back to the floor and moved out. If the injuries were not sufficient the atmosphere was enough to scare the child. What sadness!! 

I came out, thinking of this when I bumped into the treating doctor again. He asked me I had met Little Springsteen. I said yes and that while he was completely aware, alert and coherent, there was visible psychological trauma. The doctor smiled gently ," of course. It's the pain, the reality and then the ICU atmosphere." And in the next breath he cautioned me that ICU is where Little Springsteen needed to be so we had to deprioritise the psychological trauma. He was right. That had to be the course of action. 

It was almost noon and I decided to leave Bruce to rest and attend to things that needed his attention. I told him I would be back before heading to the airport. With that I made my way to the car. As I sat inside I realised I was numb. There was so much pain that I had seen, so much agony and Bruce and Little Springsteen were in the midst of that day in and day out! How were they expected to be strong! It was not fair and a feeling of deep helplessness embraced me. 

That's when I turned to the only solace I know, devotional music. I put the music on shuffle and the first Bhajan that played, praised the kindness of the Guru. I bowed my head to the Benevolent One and another tear escaped. He has always heard me and been the kindest and the most generous. I called out to Him for the same once more. The next one is an all time favourite, it's a Bollywood song that talks of surrender to the almighty. The music is deeply touching. Picturised on children, it has been dear to me since I was a kid. Hearing it a couple of times I felt strength return to my body. The next one that I heard was the prayer of Lord Hanuman and it describes all that He did for Lord Ram. Finally came the Bhajan that off late is one I sing often. It asks the Lord to keep me in his sight always. By then I knew that He was listening and with that my breath came back to normal. As the rest of the songs went on playing I could feel peace return to my being and very soon I was calm, controlled and could think of buying myself yet another Lucknow Chikankari salwar kameez! I was in Lucknow and how could I not; even though I have multiple already!

Music has held me strong through the most turbulent times and how right is She is to say that music is a prayer. After all the Benevolent One had wished that I learn Hindustani Classical. His wish is always in my best interest. Maybe I have restarted music to become a better person...

On that note, I go to my daily practice and request that all you dear readers continue your prayers for my little fighter who seems to be improving. Signing off till the next post! 

Kindness, Compassion and Trauma

My heart is restless and the mind is working to be three steps ahead. I am very tempted to be stationed in Lucknow but all sensibilities tell me that I will only be in the way. So while the medical professionals are doing their magic, I am praying and requesting for prayers that will get the Benevolent One to weave His magic! 

As I came home from work on Thursday I was looking forward to a longer daily walk. Lighting my daily evening prayer lamp, that evening for the first time I came across a situation where the wick would not catch light from the matchstick. Finally, after five attempts I was successful. And as I walked out of the room I got the news that Little Springsteen had met with an accident. My heart was absolutely calm, I knew that this was not fatal; but given that this was a case of electrocution by the main transmission line I knew it was severe. So there was no question of going for a walk.

Over the next couple of hours we tried to connect with the impacted immediate family, in the remote countryside of the world, to understand the situation. No one was able to give us a clear picture nor was a smooth conversation possible. Finally about two and a half hours later we managed to speak to the doctor. The electrocution had caused burn injuries to the upper limbs. While the left arm had a wound that needed regular cleaning to heal, the right arm below the elbow had suffered significant damage and would need to be amputated. I was in shock and did not know how to convey this to the father of the child who of course had been distraught. Also I felt, as a woman, maybe I was being given the ultimate bottom line without the nuances so I asked father to speak to the doctor. Immediately on disconnecting, father asked Little Springsteen’s father if we could get the boy to Lucknow. That’s where father said he would be more comfortable getting all treatment done. His view was that even the amputation was necessary, Lucknow was better equipped and we would have better care. 

Little Springsteen arrived in Lucknow the next afternoon and went straight to KGMU. Apparently the plastic surgery department of the hospital is top notch. His young body had suffered too much trauma and there was very little that he was able to eat or drink. So the first thing was to ensure he got some nutrition. Little Springsteen's father arrived at the hospital too and I was relieved that at least the father now could see his son, speak to him and would know in real time what was happening. It did not take away the severity of the shock but it took away the anxiety due to the distance. 

With medical care now being given, we wanted to understand if there was any merit in bringing Little Springsteen to Mumbai. Doc suggested I speak to his plastic surgeon colleague. Dr T has been brilliant. That first day, he heard me patiently and then explained to me that there was no merit in bringing the child to Mumbai at this stage. For rehab yes. He did not stop there. He went on to ask for Little Springsteen's details so that he could speak to HOD of plastic surgery at KGMU. Bless Dr T! But before I could find out the bed number etc Dr T messaged that he had already spoken and the HOD was aware of the case. All due care would be taken.

I was a bit at ease, at least from a medical point of view. Then came the call that they were taking the patient to the ICU so that the extent of damage and a possible salvage of the arm could be evaluated. My hopes went up and a prayer went up to the Benevolent One. Only He can work miracles and I have seen Him perform those. 

Saturday during the day the phone worked and it was uneventful, until I got an urgent call from mother at 2:30am. The father of the patient had called mother in the US as he did not want to wake me up! How considerate is this soul in time of his own struggle! Little Springsteen's right lung had collapsed! How had that happened! And the hospital wanted the father to consent to the procedure. Mother requested me to find out more. So I called and was grateful that the doctor at the ICU agreed to speak to me. Little Springsteen's SPO2 was at 96-97 and they needed to complete the procedure soon. All my queries were answered and I told them they would get the consent. I spoke to the father, Bruce I will call him, and explained as much as I could. The procedure happened. I informed mother and tried to sleep. 

Sunday morning I woke up not knowing if I should travel to Lucknow or continue to stay put. My morning call revealed that there had been a request for some blood to be donated so that blood for Little Springsteen could be secured. Bruce did not know why the same was being requested.  As I was contemplating I thought of messaging Dr T. Profusely apologising for disturbing him on a Sunday, I explained the latest developments to him. He messaged back shortly to give me a medical perspective and conveyed that he would speak to the HOD and revert. Of course he reverted soon. Little Springsteen's haemoglobin levels had fallen and hence the blood. He confirmed that "boy is stable" but we needed to be watchful. Getting a complete low down from him took away the anxiety of the known unknown. 

While Dr T has been a blessing, Mr JK has been the angel we needed. Not only did he organise the admissions and all things needed at KGMU, he has been personally in touch with Bruce regularly. Mr JK's nephew has been visiting the hospital daily and speaking to the doctors as well. Today he assured Bruce that if more blood was needed all Bruce needed to do was to call him. In addition, one of his senior associates has been in regular touch with the hospital to ensure that the simpleton Bruce is not sidelined. Mr JK is a family friend but his generosity has gone above and beyond all norms, expectations and experiences. We are hugely indebted to him.  

As I was writing this post and bowing in gratitude to Dr T and Mr JK, I remembered what the Benevolent One always said, " जो भगवान यहाँ तक ले कर आया है, वो आगे भी लेकर जायेगा." How true is that. None of the kindness that we have experienced is due to our own doing. It's all been due to the empathy and big heartedness of fellow human beings. As this has come our way, so will the other means that will ensure His mercy continues to light our path. He who has shown us the path thus far will take us further as well. And on that hopeful note I am saying a silent prayer so that the Lord helps Little Springsteen recover soon...

Kaziranga

They say you don't know when you fall in love and then to deepen it you should have no expectations. I do know when I fell in love with Meghalaya, it was love at first sight. As I was leaving for Kaziranga, I was sad. I was leaving a love behind, or so it felt. But what happened was that the clouds and the weather followed me to the plains. The cloud covered mountains were visible even as we entered Kaziranga. The weather maintained its hum and I just felt that the love had followed me. So to ensure that this love only deepened I had no expectations from my morning Safari. I wanted to enjoy the experience and that was it. 

As the Jeep rolled into the National Park my heart just swelled with the beauty that my eyes encountered. It was lush green with specks of brown and purple. It was pristine and fresh with bursts of scents and the aroma of wet sands. It was tranquil and calm with spurts of birds chirping and animals calling. This natural ecosystem was the result of the consummation of the perfect marriage between the masculine and the feminine. 

The jeeps lined up at the permit point

I stood up at the back, holding on to the bars on the side and soaking in the beauty around me when I spotted the herd of elephants. These were female elephants on their morning graze. I learnt that day that female elephants do not have tusks and walk in the middle of the herd to protect the young ones. Tigers in the forest only attack the young ones and not the grown up male or female elephants. Kind of obvious right, I meant one swing of the trunk and the carnivore would be pulverised. 

 

After the "Sri Ganesh" of the safari we moved ahead on the narrow roads, once in a while crossing another Jeep. This trail was only for vehicles and the elephant safari trail was a separate location. Trivia - Kaziranga has sperate elephant safari trails for Indians and foreigners. As the Jeep rolled on suddenly I thought I saw a rock move. My sleep deprived brain was playing tricks but before we moved ahead I squealed because the deer raised its head and I saw the two beauties resting close to one another. The driver halted and I took a couple of shots. Oh how I wished I had bought a telephoto lens! The 150mm zoom was not doing justice to the view that the naked eye was capturing. At least the raw image capture would be some silver lining! 

The other Barasingha eventually got up to afford me this shot

These were the hog deers that we saw and soon we came by a bevy of swamp deers or barasingha as we call it in India. The animals were lazing early in the morning and it seemed as if some were fighting slumber still. We stood there for a few minutes and some heads came up only to go down, some stood up, walked a few steps and then retreated but a large number just were not interested in us. Once again the lens was inadequate but the raw image helped. Trivia - Hog and swamp deers are not spotted deer species. 

 

Chilling deers without a beer

Now was the time to go and find the Rhino, the Wild Buffalo and the Tiger. As we entered the woodland (the deeper forest) I was told to stop any expectations of the Rhino or the Buffalo but to be on the look out for species of snakes. It sent creeps through my skin and I sat down right in the center of the seat at the back. I was absolutely fine if we missed all reptiles altogether. Trivia - There are no crocodile or alligators in Kaziranga. 

 The Woodlands were beautiful with some very pretty trails used by forest rangers. Robert Frost's "The woods are lovely dark and deep" started playing in my head. I wish I could have disembarked and walked into what seemed like an inviting castle of trees and nature. A few meters ahead we stood on a bridge that was the path to cross the large water body enroute. The views on either side were spectacular and made me smile in admiration of nature's glory. 

 

Back to the grasslands my eyes were starting to lookout for the big ones. We came by a jeep of documentary film makers who told us they had spotted a tiger just a few meters ahead but it had wandered into the trees. Wanting to take a chance we headed in that direction and before we left I almost asked the photographer if I could borrow his telephoto lens, but hesitating I just kept shut. 

At the designated spot we waited for ten minutes but the tiger was no where to be found. We saw two pelicans in flight, once again the naked eye rejoiced while the camera cried. As we decided to wait a while longer it started to rain and I realised that the tiger had decided it did not want to oblige me. With the hood tacked on, we moved ahead where in my world I saw the most beautiful sight - golden ducks all in a row. The golden Siberian ducks or the Ruddy shelduck is a gorgeous migratory bird that flies from its home in Siberia to India to tide over the harsh cold. At the end of March, these were the last lot left before they flew back home. How could these small, tender looking creatures undertake such a long and arduous flight ! They were gorgeous and I got some good shots. Trivia - Ruddy shelduck pair and mate for life. The male has a black ring on the neck which is missing in the female. 

 

Waiting for the tiger. It was spotted at the far right corner in this photograph

The golden Siberian duck - Ruddy shelduck

Rejoicing in the chance encounter I was lost in my thoughts when we stopped at a point where the wild buffalo, the rhino and deers all grazed side by side. Not one distracted the other, not one ventured towards the other and not one animal made a sound. Live and let live seemed to be the personification here. As I was trying to capture the animals in my SD card, as best as I could, I saw a bird go and perch itself on the buffalo. The endearing interaction lifted my spirits to say love exists. 

 

The Rhinos and hog deers - Oh what I would have given for a tgelephoto lens then

The bird and the buffalo

We were now on our way back when a Bharadwaj flew by and perched itself on the brown grass. The blessing was welcome and the proximity was a blessing for the camera. Taking a few shots I was ready to get back to the hotel and leave for Guwahati. 

 

The lucky Bharadwaj

As we moved towards the exit we saw the bevy of barasinghas yet again. They were l content as was I. Closer to the exit I spotted elephants again and this time, the male in the distance raised his trunk as if in salute and I saw the tusks in all their glory. It was the perfect goodbye. 

 

The grand salute that deserved a telephotolens

On the way to the hotel all I could think and hope was that falling in love should always be this easy. I was glad to know that another species subscribed to my view that mating and pairing should be for life. I kept thinking that if only respect, affection and compassion would really be as unconditional as I encountered that morning how wonderful the world could be. 

 

The tranquility

Togetherness - Hog Deer

Co-existance - The Stork

 

 

Perception, Perfection and Me

 "आग अभी है। राख जम गई है, हटानी पड़ेगी। पर आग अभी है।" 

As we were coming to the end of the last class, Guruji said this to me and the validation I got boosted my spirits. He had started to teach me a Raga Ahir Bhairav bandish, an absolute favourite of mine, that he had first taught me in 2016. While most of it I was comfortable with, there was one point where I had to break the intonations into the individual notes and get the timings coordinated with the notes correctly. I was a bit unhappy and Guruji caught that. It was at that point that he said the above. 

The minute he said what he did, I heaved a sigh of relief. Suddenly I acknowledged what my subconscious knew potentially, six Sigma will come; but in due course with the required riyaz. Also music is a journey for me and not every shabd needs to have a harkat. Meaning not every word needs to be intonation nuanced. If it happens at this stage it's a blessing, but it is not the most critical to furthering my learning. 

This afternoon as I was sitting on my spreadsheet, I was facing frustration as there was one correlation that I was unable to put down into the logic that would create the building block of one small aspect of this larger work. Not that it was the most important to complete my analysis but for some reason it was just important for me to get to the six Sigma stage, and get there just then. As I kept going back and forth with the workings, Guruji's words and my learning from the class suddenly sprung to mind. Knowing that approximation was an acceptable solution I closed the task at hand and took on solving the correlation separately.   

As I am working past midnight, still only 70% of the way there, I am wondering why is it so imp for me to nail this very small assumption to the final level of perfection. I know that the cost benefit analysis of this solution is not worthy of the perfection I am seeking and yet I continue to sacrifice sleep for the same. This over engineering is what I have always warned my team to avoid. So clearly I am stuck here not because of the need but its something else. And as the perfection is avoiding me I started to write, hoping that some clarity will emerge. 

The need for perfection, I realise as I am writing and thinking, comes from two places - (i) as a leader you only have few occasions to be vulnerable  and so have to over prepare always (ii) as a woman I have always over prepared to ensure that I knew my work made sense and it was not a body in a skirt that was getting acknowledgement or acceptance. 

Both the reasons above have always driven me to give my best but have also put me under a tremendous amount of stress and sometimes undue stress too.  One instance, as I look back on, was an episode where my stress was moronic and yet in the drive to strive ahead I almost gave my power away. 

A novice first time banker in the world's financial capital, I was running two deals simultaneously. One was a cross border transaction with teams spanning three time zones - UK, Germany, Taiwan and Hong Kong. It was the first ever Asian transaction for our team. The second was a structured transaction, where the deal structure that was being put together was a global first, and no one knew how to price the instrument. In these unchartered waters, I, a rookie banker, had been entrusted with the responsibility of running the Asian deal and pricing the European global first! I could not fail on either of the two and could not make the minutest of error. This was a huge responsibility and I needed help. But the one person who I could turn to, my boss,  was away for a week and according to the team secretary not contactable. I felt a little rudderless, ok maybe a bit more than little. 

To overcome my fear I did what I know best - over-prepare for that one week. On the Asian transaction I diligently liaised with the client management team, the lawyers, the sales team etc. In addition, I researched all similar transactions from the geography in the last twelve months, the company's last three transactions and went through all the documentation with a tooth comb. I labelled every page and highlighted every clause where I needed my boss' input. The idea was to have a discussion with him so that the six Sigma could be done for a perfect transaction. 

On the pricing front I split the pricing in two parts, valued each separately and prepared two logics of combining them to get a blended issue price. I ran this past a senior colleague and the sales team. Their tweaks incorporated I made copious notes to discuss with my boss on his return. Having done all this I felt in control. 

The afternoon the MD returned to office I went through both the transactions with him. As the discussion progressed he suggested that I leave the Asian deal documents and papers with my highlights and notes with him to be discussed the next morning at seven. He would go through the same at night. The pricing we discussed and had clear actionables on. I felt more in control and confident. Kong, a dear colleague, had organised a dinner for a few of us from the team at a Jazz club that evening. I was really looking forward to that night out. Yet I wanted to ensure that I was all set for the 7:00am meeting and so asked the gang to carry on and would join them soon. 

Three quarters of an hour after they left I made my way to the tube station and hopped on the train to get to a good evening of music and friends. I caught a power nap on the underground and had a skip in my step as l I exited the tube station. Suddenly I froze. I had five voice mails from my boss. He was trying to reach me and given that I was in the underground there was no signal. So he left five very nasty messages including one telling me how I was completely irresponsible to not be reachable when we had two large deals brewing for launch. My confidence, my excitement and my composure; all blew away with cold London wind. On the one hand I was livid. Was I truly the one who was irresponsible or unavailable! On the other hand I was stressed. Maybe I should have done the six Sigma and informed him that I would not be available for the next forty minutes! And it was in this very uncomfortable mental framework that I walked into the Jazz club. 

Kong saw my face and he knew something was amiss. Much older and wiser, the German lawyer and I had developed a friendship where he truly looked out for me. Drawing me aside he asked me what bothered me and I gave him the complete picture - factual and emotional. His response was simple. He took my phone away from me and asked me to enjoy the music. But if I did not call back I would be seen as even more irresponsible! Not according to him. There was no way I could reach perfection when the expectation was unfair and unjust. And so I had to acknowledge the fact and move on. I took his sage advice, which then did not seem so,  but for which today I am very grateful. 

The next morning, I faced music. I was reprimanded for not being available and for being irresponsible. The deals' success meant a lot of income and brand building and I had to deliver perfection. As the barrage continued, at one point I suddenly I realised my own folly. I was attempting perfection in delivery where it mattered but I was bothered about perfection in perception that I could not control. How I reacted I will never forget. I stood up, very politely and calmly pointed out that I had a perfect set of documents awaiting inputs and I had done all within my power to ensure that the pricing structures were logical and market palatable. Then as I walked towards the door, I requested that we resume the discussion with the transactions in mind when the gentleman had regained his calm and composure. My actions suddenly decompressed me. All the weight on my shoulders seemed to have disappeared and I was now in control of what was needed and what was not. 

To complete the story above, both deals were a tremendous success. That is the one time in my life that I did not sleep for a straight 52 hours. But the result was worth the sacrifice. My boss, however, did not share the success rate with me. He had to make me know that I was a minion. I got that from another colleague in the team. But it did not bother me. I realised that on the perception front I could never be perfect. 

As I am concluding, reminiscing and writing this piece, close to 2:30am, I realise that not getting this correlation right does not make my entire working illogical or incorrect but an approximation. However, that approximation in itself  is a great outcome and significant enough to be able to make a truly well informed decision. So I have decided not to continue this struggle. I will pause, rest my brain and I am sure that in due course I will be able to get this correlation right as well. But till then I will continue my learning and my journey knowing that other avenues deserve a bit more of me than this one tiny issue that has troubled me for the last many hours. 

A New Flight

In this topsy-turvy time, the one thing that has remained steadfast is the daily sunrise and sunset. In these uncertain times, the one thing that gives hope is the unrestricted and uninhibited flights of the soaring birds. In these strange times, the one thing that brings familiarity and comfort are those who you can be with. And that is what I saw as I walked this sixtieth evening of the corona quarantine times.

As the phone clicked to capture this image, I could not help but smile in gratitude and humility. Both the emotions came from three very different angles, three that I thought of sharing.

The very first one is in gratitude of nature and in humility of how even today, after humanity has plundered so much of it, nature seems to be working constantly to sustain humanity. The sun still shines to give us food, the rivers still flow to give us water and the wind still blows to ease the heat. Nature may want to reclaim its glory, but it is not blazing Armageddon. The warning shot may be with rage but not in revenge. It is those open spaces that have not been plundered to be populated by mankind that are sanctuaries of safety, and ready to take those who will accept the unfamiliar ways of life. Such love, compassion and tolerance are the most prominent traits of mothers and it is no wonder that from time in memorial we have been taught of the beauty of mother nature and mother earth. I bow down to the greatness of these mothers who are trying to forgive us and help us find a new way of life that may be more of collaboration and co-existence.

The second one is in gratitude of the untiring and heroic service of the front line workers, and in humility of the unrelenting human spirit.  These have not been easy times even for those who have comfort of a roof on their heads and food in their stomachs. And in these times when you want to be with the ones you love the healthcare workers are rallying day after day to ensure that they can help as many recover as possible, not just from corona but from other ailments as well. All the while being the most vulnerable to this so far incurable infection. Just as them, it is the law enforcers who hear the brickbats and the criticism and yet are out there to ensure that they can maintain discipline which is the first line of prevention in the current times; even if it means they catch the virus. Joining these brave forces are the city sanitation and cleanliness workers who are ensuring that the spread of other diseases is curtailed, the public transport employees who are getting all of the above to their stations of duties, the logistics teams ferrying medicine and food globally and locally to make sure everyone has enough, those who are getting the essentials to you and me putting themselves at risk and then there are the volunteers. There are so many other segments who are working to keep life as uncomplicated as it can be, that I cannot name them all here, but I sincerely salute them all.

And last but not the least I am in gratitude of the those who told me I was being a romantic, forcing me to see the other side of the coin and I am humbled by their acceptance of the stark reality. At the start of the pandemic, as India went into a lockdown, I said India would never be the same again. Of course, the world was never going to be the same again but the romantic in me theorised that this was the nation’s second world war moment. The moment where the millennials stopped to spend and started to save, where the entrepreneurs stopped to cut the pie and started to cooperate to grow the pie, and where the politicians forgot their differences and adopted bipartisanship to sail us through to the other side of the storm. What the last two months have highlighted though is while the millennials may be seeing a new way of life, our industry and political system is far too hard wired to bring in the shake that we need. It has been disappointing to say the least!  We could have done a lot more and for a lot less! We could have done for a lot more with a lot less! There truly have been some great decisions but the setback is when we look at some of the more recent decisions. They are not just confounding but incomprehensible. I want answers and have reached out for them but am but a mere ordinary citizen and hence received only what I deserve: silence. My balloon deflated, I feel defeated because probably naïve as it was, I overinvested in the belief of good and the judgement of the wise.

Yet in this defeat lies victory: victory of the human spirit of which mine is a part! I may have learnt a lesson but I am ready to embrace this new normal, ready to embody the sun daily and do my part, ready to hope again and fly with the birds and ready to stand with those who are mine because they are the ones who I answer to and who understand.

Be well and stay safe!

A Memorable March Monday Morning

It was a cool and windy March Monday morning. Before the break of dawn, everyone had gathered at the appointed place, at the given time. The men were dressed in traditional Indian attire and the women were glowing in all their finery. As I looked around, it was not just the gold jewellery that stood out, but it was also the mix of the best Kanjeevaram, Banarsi and Dhakai sarees. Not in abundance but still visible were Bandhani, printed Tussar silk and a handful of bright chiffons. With the perfect drape, matching accessories and just the right out of make up, these women were chirpy, eager and chatty. And no, for all those wondering if this was an early morning wedding, no it was not. It was the occasion of early morning darshans of Lord Balaji at his abode in Tirumala. To complete it all, what was I wearing? A normal red cotton block printed salwar kameez; and I felt small. 

No, it was not my clothes thay made me feel small ; but the love and devotion that this congregation had for the Lord. Many of them had infants with them. Some had come with infants and toddlers. Yet others had accompanied the elderly unable to walk properly. And none of this had deterred any one of them from bringing out their grand attire and dressing up to meet the Lord. I had only myself to take care of and yet all that I had on different were the red glass bangles that mother had bought the earlier day at Tirupati. I was not even wearing a bindi, something that I love and do on a daily basis. Why? Because I had forgotten to get some....

I was feeling small because my vanity hit me in my face as I saw women with clean shaven heads. Hair is the pride and the worry of most women. Ask some who spend tirelessly in styling and maintaining the mane on the head. After all it does add to beauty; but the clean shaven heads spoke about devotion and unconditional love. They were of all ages - young ones in their twenties, married women in thirties, menopausing women and the senior citizens too. And with clean shaven heads they wore their favourite sarees and jewellery because the Lord deserves the best! 

My first memory of coming for Lord Balaji's darshans is from about 22 years ago. The grandeur displayed by the pilgrims and the commercial aspect of the holy place had bothered me deeply then. I was uneasy and not able to comprehend what I was witnessing. And then, out of the blue, without my asking I got my clarifications. 

Post darshans we were all walking to collect our Prasad when a book seller stopped me and asked me to buy a book of the story of Lord Balaji. I refused at first but then got mother to get me one. As the train chugged out of Renigunta station, my book came out. Somewhere within the story the explanation of the commercialisation of Balaji temple came about; and I will probably remember it to my dying day. 

Legend has it that the Lord, who was a cowherd in this mortal world, fell in love with Devi Padmavati - the daughter of a king. To marry her, he thought he needed to be able to muster a standard of living and so off he went to Kuber, the treasurer of the Devs. While Kuber agreed to loan the required amount to the cowherd Lord, he asked how would it be repaid. It was the answer to this question that got me my clarity -," My devotees who come to pray to me in Kalayug will help me repay this debt." (I don't know whether we are helping the Lord keep his promise or are we paying our own debts when we pay for the services at Tirumala; but I do know that a visit to Tirumala is meant for realising that total surrender never goes amiss.)

The story over, I sat looking out of the train window, when the old lady sitting next to me asked if we were returning from darshans of the Lord. I said yes, of course, and even then I remember telling her how it was so much like a grand wedding. To which she said, " If we can dress up for the lesser mortals of this world, should we not do the same when we are coming to meet the one who has given us all that we have?" The teenager in me got it, but not quite. The grown up woman in me, today, not just gets it but probably repents not having done the same. 

What made these March Monday morning darshans special was that despite all my limitations, the Lord was once again merciful and gave beautiful darshans that made me want to fall at his feet just there. My mind was silent and eyes on the Lord as I was pushed into the sanctum sanctorum. My hands remained folded and my eyes focussed on His ShreeVigraha as I walked backwards and was pushed out of the temple. But all through this push and pull I had the Lord watching me get His darshans; darshans that left me humbled and feeling blessed...

On the flight back home I watched the setting sun. Seeing the sky morph its colours, I realised how the day had seen my emotions and being change. I had transcended from feeling small to being grateful to finding peace and joy in the knowledge that my Aradhya is watching over me... Under His watch I hope to be able to fulfill my commitments, render my responsibilities and realise my dreams. May God bless us all.

Shades of human

It had been a long day. A lot had transpired. I was filing my thoughts and planning for tomorrow. Other passengers had probably had their share of efforts and gratifications. And so there was very little activity at the boarding gate. An occasional cough, a soft murmer or a silent large yawn were the only distractions. 

All of sudden he came running down the escalator and frantically started searching; for what or whom no one knew but his panic was visible. As sudden was his appearance was his total pause, right in my face. He bent forward and from the back rest of my seat retrieved a scarf; a ladies hand woven scarf that I had kept there when sitting on the only empty seat I saw. With a smile and immense relief he walked away with his (or her) possession. Others went back to what they were doing but I kept staring at him.

What had caused his panic? Who did the scarf belong to? Why was his smile wider than the extent of his relief? The answers and the ensuing permutations and combinations can create myriad, very interesting tales. I could venture into some conjecturing but it may spoil, or stray your own storyline that has started taking shape, and so I am refraining. 

But if I can restraint myself from some momentary harmless conjecturing, then what causes me to bucket people in types and their behaviour in solid hues when a longer interaction can reveal otherwise... Just like numerous possibilities exist as cause of and context to the reaction of the man I encountered, there are as many circumstances and experiences that shape each one of us. Add to that individual desires, ambitions and hopes; and we have only shades of the spectrum and no single colour standing out. 

I hope that some day I will be able to solve the mystery of what drives the hearts and minds but until then let this be a resolve that I will enjoy the shades of the spectrum, even when I am keen to find one solid colour to paint the situation with. 

Signing off and hoping for a now delayed but not further postponed take off. 

Two Lives and A Wish

It was my first board meeting and the first meeting with the independent directors. This was a subsidiary company and so a meeting with its directors had not been the most pressing matter soon after joining. But now that I was meeting them, I wanted to make a good first impression. Fond of ethnic Indian clothes, I chose to wear my favourite salwar kameez that day. And that is what led to my first conversation with Mr. Interesting.

Mr. Interesting was the last independent director to arrive. He had just turned 90, but his appearance did not give away his age. When he spoke he maintained eye contact. When he read he caught the main points first. When he listened he had a smile on his face. But he ate or drank nothing. A strict Brahmin, he ate or drank only that which he got from home. It was the secret of his long life and energy. 

A few hours later, we broke for lunch. As he would eat nothing, he walked up to the next floor to sit in one of the cabins and wait for the others to finish. I do not recollect why, but for some reason I walked up to that floor as well. As I walked in, through the door, he was standing there. He smiled at me and said, "nice salwar kameez." I thanked him and smiled back. It was then that he looked me in the eye and said, "if I may, I want to tell you three things. Please always wear a bindi. Never wear rings on any finger other than the ring finger and lastly always wear bangles. Your wrist should always be adorned." 

All he said were things I had heard before. Some from my grandparents and some from others. Mother was the one who had gifted me her own rings to wear. So none of this was new; but coming from an almost stranger, replete with the affection of a grandfather and laden with the authority of a scholar; the impact was different. Every time post that encounter I attempted to ensure that I listened to his advise as often as I could, and if not always with all three, I would comply with at least two every time I met him.

Why did he tell me these things on the first day that he met me, I don't know. Now I will never find out, ever. A fortnight ago he passed away, and today comes the first board meeting of the subsidiary without him. This entire realisation has struck me as I am putting on my bangles and bindi after having worn a saree today...

I am sure I wore sarees to board meetings when Mr. Interesting was around, but another board member of the parent company could only keep asking me. 

Dr Artsy had been a renowned banker in her days and had been on the board for many many years. A strong willed and free spirited soul, she battled cancer for several years. She underwent multiple chemotherapy sessions and surgeries; yet her zest for life maintained its highs. Oh we would hear a loving but an earful if her favourite potatoes were not cooked for lunch on the day of the board meeting. She would call to remind that taking her out for a drink was overdue ,or she would call to simply say that living next door you had no excuse not to pay her a visit. She enjoyed every living moment!

After one board meeting, as I was helping her to the bathroom she very quietly said, "I am due for my next check up. This time I am worried. What if the dastardly thing is back?" I looked at her and gently reassured her that even if it was she would fight it back as always. I don't know whether it was a premonition but yes the beast had reared its ugly head again. 

Given the recurrence of the illness she decided to step down from the board. Given her long association with the organisation, a farewell dinner was planned. At the AGM before the dinner she chided me for not wearing a saree and warned me for trotting up at dinner in anything but a saree. There was no time to go home and change into a saree that day and so I rocked up to dinner in my work attire. Resplendent in a bottle green saree she looked at me and said, "if I have been able to wrap a saree and enjoy it, you have no bloody excuse not to be in one!" 

Now, even if I want I cannot fulfill her wish; she passed away last year. Dr Artsy, I am sorry I could not wear one while you were around, but today this saree is dedicated to you.

Two incredible lives lived with tremendous aplomb and grit. One was regimented and the other a free bird. Two gentle lives that were equally fierce. One curated and the other wrote. Two lives that were fertile with insights and experiences. One content to stand in the wings and the other always center stage. Two lives I think of, feeling humbled to have known. One I wish could answer me and one I wish I could respond to...