A Life Worth it All

Last evening as I logged on to Twitter to track the CoVid cases in Mumbai, I came across the news of the sad demise of Anshu Jain. I never worked with him nor did I have the opportunity to meet him. But still the news hit me.

As a newbie in London having just started as a banker in 2004, the rise of Anshu Jain to being named the co- head of Deutsche Bank Investment Banking was a huge motivation. He was only 39 and a non German speaking individual. Well if he could break the "glass ceiling" as an Indian woman I felt I could too. In fact he also started out in the field of derivatives and that being my chosen path as well made his success even closer to me. 

A few months after Jain had taken his position, I met with a trader who was fairly close to him. I heard about his passion for the business and the many hours of hard work he put in. This individual spoke about how he had fierce loyalists in the bank, who were not just supporters because he was responsible for their successes and achievements but also because he generously shared his personal space and formed bonds. It was the first time I had heard of such fan following in the banking world and that created an impact on me. While hard work and pouring my everything into my job was a part of me, I began to observe people more after I heard about Jain. The leaders who created an impact, I guess that is what I was trying to learn. 

As my career progressed I kept following Jain. His ouster from Deutsche Bank was acrid. It raised far too many questions, on both sides, for me. Yet the one thing that I observed was how he bounced back. Not just with Cantor Fitzgerald but by starting InCred in India. He may have been designated as the advisor, but one look at the management team and one saw ex Deutsche Bank all across. It was him that was the pull and certainly the vision. That he continued to create an impact in the financial industry truly showed the grit of the man and that was reiterated when I read that he outlived the doctor's prognosis by 4 years! Trust Anshu Jain to do the never done before! That's what his life was about! 

Having had the above thoughts just yesterday, I woke up this morning to read that another financial industry stalwart in the country had passed on. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala was at the launch of Aksa Air just last week. I am not sure how many knew of his illness though many knew that he had multiple ailments. Yet his public appearances were always filled with optimism and a child like enthusiasm. I remember once attending a conference around 2010 where he was speaking. Someone asked him his take on the international investors' stance towards India and he in a very Rakesh Jhunjhunwala style said ," They need us more than we need them." As a banker this confidence was both refreshing and over reaching at that time. But it made me dig deeper into the reason for his conviction and value investing is something I started to appreciate tremendously.

What happened to the world of music with Lataji and then Pandit Sharma seemed to have happened to the world of financial services in the last two days. None of us can escape the universal truth that is for sure but it's only some of us who live on even beyond our mortal remains with a population larger than just our near and dear ones. Those of us who do, do so not only because of fame, accolades and success but also because of the impact made on the lives of others. That is a legacy that is difficult to beat. 

Many years ago, in one of my first leadership development courses, I was part of a cohort that was asked to design their tombstone. It was a very powerful exercise but that is for another post. I took all the time that we were allotted. Yet I could not come up with anything that sounded "cool". All I came up with was, "the one who made a difference". Today I realise that early influencers in my life from the Benevolent One to my parents and then to my professional influencers from Kong to Anshu Jain to many others after that have been influencers because they made a difference. Subconsciously, that defined me as an individual and created my brand. For that I am tremendously grateful. 

To be able to help someone, to be able to provide comfort someone and to be able to help someone achieve their dreams; the opportunity to contribute thus is made available to the fortunate I believe. As the Benevolent One once told me, "those who love should never be sad because there is so much joy in giving and only the generous can." I did not appreciate it then but I hope that now I can embrace and implement it. Father once said, "if we have been given the means and resources, it's not just for our benefit but to be shared with those who are really in need." He and mother have always exemplified this in action, multiple time over many many years. Kong showed me how much he cared when he took away my phone to stop me from reacting to a work situation from a position of fear. Anshu Jain showed that a leader could be a task master and yet a strong personal guide. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala exemplified how to simplify the most nuanced lessons so that everyone could benefit from deep learnings he had acquired. 

As the two days have once again shown the impermanence of life, I look back at all my good fortune and am indebted for the blessed opportunities I have had and the people in my life. I also sincerely hope that with all these influencers in my life I can live up to being a small percentage of these stalwarts in terms of the people that they are. Where once my professional ambitions were moon high, today it's my personal dreams that take precedence. And as none of us know when our time will come, I hope that while I realise all my personal dreams I can also really start living a life that will make a difference. 

On that note I pray that the almighty grant eternal rest to the departed souls and may He grant long and healthy lives to the influencers in my core circle. With that prayer it's a wrap for today. Have a great week ahead! 

Being Me - Another Weekend Thought

Yesterday as I was making my way out of a lunch meeting I saw a familiar face. An old client from my banking days. I had not met him in years and so walked up to him and said hi. With my mask on he took a minute and then exclaimed, "it has been years! Where have you disappeared?" As I mentioned that I had left banking and moved to manufacturing, he mentioned that he knew about my career to date and a "common friend" keeps mentioning me. I was surprised at this. I think I know the common friend but the fact that he knew my career journey was a surprise. I was humbled. With a promise of meeting soon I left, a promise I intend to keep. 

As I was driving away I could not help but think when is it that I have remembered people and followed their careers even if they have not been in touch. My own experience has been that it was when someone made an impact on me. Take Kong for example. I have written about him before but it is important to mention him once more. Kong had a deep impact on me because he cared. As a newbie in banking and in London he cared about how I grew as a professional and groomed as an individual. A German lawyer, he was almost like my self appointed Indian older brother. He was the one who helped me navigate tricky situations at work, got me books to widen my reading genre and he also encouraged me to focus more on my own brand. He was the first person who made me realise that each one of us is unique and our individual brands should be celebrated. I may not be in touch with him regularly but I follow his moves. Social media just makes that so easy! 

With the above realisation I was forced to think what did I do that made this client remember me. The only incident that comes to mind is the point at which I expressed my concern on one particular clause in the terms and conditions. Detrimental to the investors, as it was drafted, the clause enabled the investee company to sell some of their assets without the investor consent. It was not a straightforward verbiage but on close reading that's what it delivered. I brought this up multiple times, however, as we were short on time and given the trust between the investor and the company the decision was not to contest. Still uncomfortable but having done my bit I closed the transaction. Low and behold, a couple of years down the line the company used the clause to their advantage! I am not sure what transpired between the two parties pre and post exercise but I personally did feel that the "trust" was misused. 

Maybe it was that or maybe it was something else but the fact that he recollected me and knew my current whereabouts made me realise once more the value of authenticity and my own brand. The one mantra that I have always followed has been to be authentic and honest in all my dealings. If I feel strongly about something I say it out loud even if it is not what "should" be said or what is "expected" to be endorsed. Professionally, on occasions it has put me in a deep minority (as if my gender did not already do that) and earned me flak of pointing out the elephant in the room. However, I have slept well knowing that I maintained my integrity. Personally, this has had me face some hurt and yet the scars are reminders that I was generous and giving. On one single occasion, only that once, where my authenticity and honesty hurt someone else I feel terrible to this day but I know that the days of hurt saved years of pain.  

So with that said I start the long weekend celebrating the opportunities that I have been granted to become an authentic and honest individual and I hope that I can continue to conduct myself with integrity and compassion even in future. 

A weekend thought

It has been the most interesting cab ride in a long time and probably the only one where the post ride mind was lost in thought. As I hailed a normal black and yellow cab to get to work this morning, there was a lot on my mind. I was trying to answer messages and emails so that I could get into problem solving as soon as I stepped into the office. But when I told the driver where to go and then started to explain, he said to me 'tell me the name of the building and it will suffice. I have been driving a taxi for 34 years now.' True to his word he knew not only my office building but all the adjoining ones by name and in some knew which organisations were housed.

However, what made this an intersting journey was not his remark about just wanting the building name. From there on a conversation started which gave me details of his daughter's recent wedding where he spent INR 12 lacs and on how a large part of that went towards a washing machine, clothes, jewellery etc; all of which his daughter wanted. A Muslim man, he exclaimed, he was blessed that a Hindu boy who was his elder son's friend had gifted him a cooler which is also something his daughter desired as a part of her gifts. He felt that he had been treated kindly by the world and was grateful that despite struggles that he faced, there were those he could count on. His thankfulness was refreshing. 

As we were nearing my office, his stories over, he asked me a question. He wanted to know when was I the most let down by someone. I thought for a while and said it was when someone with a lot of means had fought unfairly for their material gains and then denied a well earned small bonus to someone whose income was about one twentieth of theirs! Accepting my response he went on to ask me when did I think I was treated most insensitively by someone. And he wanted to know further if this was something I would call insensitive even if I handed the same behaviour to any other human being. This was an interesting question and I did not have an immediate response as we were standing in the porch of the building. He left me saying the day we would meet again he would like to hear my response. 

I first began to wonder if I had treated him with disdain, arrogance, unfairly or unjustly. I realised my conversation was polite, I courteously listened to his stories and had paid him an upward rounded fare. So I was certain that he was not pointing towards me but given the flow of our interaction it was more his idea of understanding people. And so I began to think of what treatment by others made me feel that they have been insensitive and I would not like to do that to anyone because I would not like them to feel as hurt as I felt. 

At the end of the day, on my journey home, the answer came to me. The most insensitive treatment has been the silent treatment and that is something I never ever dish out, not even to those who hurt me the same way in the past. The first time it was done was by a close friend. He just did not call back and then took shelter under the excuse of a lot of work. I explained to him that it was insensitive and especially as I had requested he call back because I needed help. He apologized but then the same occured on a number of other occasions. While I decided not to rely on this friend for help anymore or for him to be there, I still return his calls and messages. To date I have always told him that his silence on multiple occasions was insensitive and that made me take my call of not relying on him. He says to hear this hurts him but I would rather be honest than give him the silent treatment. At least it gives him calrity and a fair chance if he wants one.

Similar instances with acquaintances have also occured where they have just been silent and not communicated and then sprung out of the blue wanting a familiar conversation. I have responded, always. Sometimes with firmness and sometimes with a casual response but always with empathy. I do not believe that any human being we interact with, for some period of time, with some common agenda deserves the silent treatment.

Communication is the way the natural ecosystem flourishes. And while silence communicates more than it does not, it also is a blatant dismissal or a very in your face ignoring of another human being which is neither compassionate nor empathetic. I would not give that to anyone and the instances that I have faced this have been the times I felt treated the most terribly. 

So as the weekend commences I vow to communicate and interact with my friends and family because they mean the world to me. And it's only my actions devoid of silence that can let them know this. Have a good one all!

Finding Faith

“When we give in to love, we take charge of our lives. When we give in to fear, we lose control of our lives. So do not fear but continue your journey and you will find your destiny.”  At a very young age, when I feared venturing into the unexpected, a teacher had told me this. It helped me on a journey where I began to understand myself more and could spend the time when I had very few friends with great ease.   But then as years went by, I began to understand the deeper meaning of this phrase.

The starkest moment when this phrase became the tipping point in my life was in the early 2000s. I had been struggling to find a job. Many an interview had come and gone. I was working hard, and I was persistent. Yet fear had started to get the better of me; what if I had to return home…what if I had to lean on the family to find a job…what if…My confidence had taken a beating and I was at the lowest of the low points in my life. At that point in my life, I was the recipient of the generosity of two friends who had kindly allowed me to share their living space even though I could not contribute to the rent. Having grown up in an all women house, this was a new situation for me and added to that was my job situation. I was miserable and for the first time in my life I was not sure where my dreams and heart had led me to. Maybe I was just being a romantic!

In a tormented state of mind, I walked along the Thames, and stared across at the lit Westminster. As dusk turned into night the reflections of the Parliament suddenly made me remember what the teacher had told me long ago. It got me thinking and I began to feel some pride. I had been brave to move to a completely unknown country and work from scratch to find myself a job. Just as I was starting to feel a bit worthy, L called. She was going to visit her mother and I was free to stay at her apartment for the weekend. What a blessed opportunity of privacy! I grabbed it with both hands!

I will always be grateful to L for she was the third person to support me through that tough period. Anyway, Friday evening I entered L’s cosy and warm apartment intent on soaking in a hot bath. But as I started to run the bath I desperately desired a book. That evening I just wanted to read and listen to music as I pampered myself. Walking over to L’s bookshelf I came across The Alchemist, a book that has been my go-to for almost ever now. I grabbed it and in the bath opened it at random. As I read the words in front of me, I felt as if they were meant only for me. The following is what I read, “before  a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward the dream. That’s the point at the which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon. Every search begins with beginner’s luck. And evert search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.”

Munching my dinner of grilled halloumi and corn I remember feeling grateful for those words to have appeared. I had given in to fears and had forgotten what it was like to be open to love and opportunity. The following Monday I had the interview which I converted into a job and as they say the rest is history.

But why am I writing this today? Because I woke up with a feeling that the world is becoming an unsafe, unhappy and intolerant place. What with the Copenhagen mall shooting, the assassination of Padma Vibhushan Shinzo Abe, the Russia – Ukraine war etc. The family health issues have been a nagging worry for some weeks now and it seems that since Little Springsteen had his accident, health of family members has needed attention. And then there are other issues that have been simmering at the back. These past weeks, for all of the above reasons, have been now I realise more focussed on my fears than the love and faith that has always helped me navigate and find happiness.

The most recent example is my strong belief that Little Springsteen would make it back home. Yes there were many touch and go moments and there was all the agony that my little angel went through. And yet he is home, now even writing with his feet, already! His treatment is not over but this is the time for him to gain strength and then we go to the prosthetics but what victory! He was in the hospital for sixty days and of that forty in the ICU having undergone multiple surgeries! But I was always confident he would make it and he did! So today I am closing the doors on my fear and inviting my love and faith to guide me once again. As said the Alchemist, “Everything is written in the Soul of the World and there it will stay forever.”

 

Bhakti and Sufism

The Benevolent One once told me that in Kalyuga the simplest path to reach the divine was via Bhakti. He never prescribed rituals but always spoke of how the Lord was partial to His devotees. One of the mediums that Bhakti followers use to express their endless love and devotion for the divine is music. And given how dear music is to me, Bhakti was easy for me to understand. Bhakti sangeet, infact, has been a part of my life from fairly early on. 

Meera bai wrote love and longing filled poems for her beloved Krishna which Marwari grandmothers sang to my generation in our childhood. It was our first introduction to music. The Vinaypatrika by Sant Tulsidas, similarly,  is a collection of poems set to specific ragas. Each and every poem either is a praise of Lord Ram, Devi Sita or a call to them to be the saviour or a tribute to their greatness.  Bhakt Surdas, Narsi Mehta, Ras Khan and multiple other poets have left a treasure trove of Bhakti sangeet that makes a connection with the Lord much simpler for those with a restless mind like mine. Music brings focus and the poetry reaches the soul or it could easily be vice-versa. Singing bhajans for the last two years has made this realisation even stronger. 

On a track parallel to Bhakti sangeet is Sufi music. While qawalis are the most recognised form of Sufi music, the genre has many forms such as the Turkish Ayin, African Gnawa and back home Ghazals and Kafi. While I am not well versed with the foreign sub types, qawali and ghazals have often been my music of choice. 

Bhajans, qawali and ghazals; all have a proximity to Hindustani classical that makes them personally more melodious. The common use of the Harmonium and the Tabla further increases their appeal, and while I have been able to learn numerous bhajans over the last two years, I am only starting with Sufi songs now. 

Amongst my favourite Bollywood Sufi compositions is Khwaja Mere Khwaja from Jodha Akbar. On a side note, that movie also has a beautiful bhajan Mann Mohana and Ashutosh Gowariker has to be credited with getting some of Rahman's best divine music out to the world. Back to Khwaja Mere Khwaja, the tabla in this qawali adds a dimension where the devotee ultimately wants to dance for the Lord. It's tone, it's notes, it's melody are all sublime. Once I start listening to it there is no stopping me. 

This evening as my play list was on a shuffle, Khwaja Mere Khwaja started. It brought an instantaneous smile on my face. Maybe for the first time today but I heard the lyrics carefully and they brought me home to the Benevolent One. While I know He is with me I miss seeing Him and being able to hear Him. As I was listening to the qawali, the lyrics that came were as if straight from my heart to His ears - 

"टली हर बला हमारी

छाया है खुमार तेरा

जितना भी रश्क करे बेशक

तो कम है, ऐ मेरे ख्वाजा

तेरे क़दमों को मेरे रहनुमा नहीं

छोड़ना गंवारा"

He has always protected me and I have always basked under His love, sometimes even gloating that I am His favourite of all three. At least I think so; and even if that were to be a figment of my imagination, leaving Him is not an option for me. He is my faith, He is my belief and He is the one who led me down this blessed life that I have. 

As I am listening to this song end for the umpteenth time, I have also been aided by Google in identifying an instrumental version that my voice will be comfortable with. So as I now attempt to sing and record this soulful divine calling I pray that the Benevolent continues to bless me and hear me . 

On that happy note wishing all of you a restful night and a happy morning. 

Roe v Wade - Half a century of efforts drained

I am terribly sad; that is the only word I can think of that describes all the emotions I am going through. I also know that my sadness, in this case, will impact no one and is not of consequence as such. Yet as a woman, as someone who believes everyone should have the right to self preservation and privacy, I am saddened by the overturning of Roe v Wade. What is far more flummoxing is that this decision comes from the highest court of a country that is a self declared champion and moral authority of human rights. 

Motherhood, the word itself evokes smile, joy and nurturing instincts. But that is when it is a cherished desire or a choice. Anything forced is a burden and motherhood even as an elected choice is a life altering experience, so the forced option probably is more chaotic than one can even imagine. 

In the most extreme cases I am thinking of women like Norma McCorvey (who got Roe v. Wade in place) whose pregnancy is the result of an assault. A victim of a crime, forced to give birth to the consequence of the attack, can have multiple physical and mental health issues; her chronological, economic and aspirational circumstances not withstanding. Then there is the debate on nurture vs nature that has claims on both sides of whether genes pre dispose individuals to a life of aggression and crime or not. Even if nurture was to be the winner, who is to say that a tormented individual would be able to nurture a young life ably...

Reality could be completely anti a life born to a poor, socially isolated and traumatised rape victim. So at the end of the day are we saying that it's ok roll a dice to decide the fate of a new life? Of course there is the argument that a roll of a dice gives the life a chance vs abortion that takes away any chance at all. However, who are we to play the game of probability when the person who will be responsible for changing the odds potentially is an unwilling participant? Denial of self preservation in these instances is a crime in itself in my view. 

There are those who will say rape pregnancies are a small percentage. Reluctantly, but still let me accept that data point without having any facts to support or deny this claim. The thoughts steer towards to young couples not ready for a child, couples who do not want children ever and single women not wanting (yet or ever) children. This is a subset that does not want children and no contraceptive is a 100% foolproof. So what happens when they conceive? We take away their right to lead lives as they would like to? And who is the state, in a democracy,  to dictate how a couple should structure their family or to a woman or her life choices? The counter argument to this thought is that the state is speaking on behalf of a life that cannot speak for itself. Well that is why there is the so desired separation between the church and the state! What about atheists? How can the state impose religious beliefs on those who have none? Once again this set of citizens is forced into a life that is not theirs by their choice and a choice that is not creating harm, injustice or unrest to the society in any way at all! 

As I am writing this, I am reminded of a story. Before I pen that down I will state clearly that I am spiritual, I believe in life, after life and rebirth, and I am also a moderate Hindu. The story is from the Hindu epic Mahabharata and talks about the decision of nurturing a life resting with the mother. Santanu was a Kuru king who fell in love with Ganga, the river goddess. When he asked for her hand in marriage she hesitated and then before she accepted she only requested that he trust her a hundred percent and not question any of her decisions. If he did question her, she would leave him. Drastic condition by today's standards and by my own belief in transparent communication! That not withstanding and given that love is blind, Santanu crazy about Ganga accepted her only condition. Soon after marriage, Ganga conceived. But as soon as she delivered she took the infant to the river and drowned it. A shocked Santanu could merely watch. This happened seven times over and each time a devastated Santanu became a tormented bystander but did not break his vow. The eighth time he saw Ganga walking with the infant towards the river he could not contain himself and questioned her ghastly actions. Patiently she explained to him that she had promised these souls salvation and hence agreed to be their mother. Given that Santanu had questioned her motives, the vow to the last such soul was broken and the last child would live. Also as per their prenup she would leave him. The legend has it that this was the seed that planted the tree that bore the fruit of the epic battle of Mahabharata between the Kauravas and Pandavas. 

The reason I narrated the story above is because if we were to turn a blind eye to the absence of separation of the church and the state, church being used symbolically for religion, then there is merit in looking across the spectrum and we will find there to be enough advocates of mothers' rights and the saying that mother knows the best. 

Steering back to a fact based discussion, my attention is also drawn to the disabled. What happens to those women who are either physically disabled and conceive by force or those who soon after conceiving become physically challenged. How can someone unable to take care of themselves, a hundred percent independently, be forced to take care of an infant who needs to be attended to day and night! Will state provide means for these mothers and if yes who will fund that? 

Of course, at the moment it's twenty six states that will rejoice in the acceptance of this ruling. Which means there are twenty four options for the thirty six million women impacted. But to access these and the international options they will need to have adequate financing or else they will need to go to courts where their right to privacy will be shred into rags. For a capitalist country this works I think, if one has the money one has the solution. And yet it seems so inhuman and unfair. 

As a woman I love children and I believe that their innocence brings hope and learning in the crazy times we live in. I believe that we should bring children in the world but also that the world should be a safe and happy place for them. As a woman I also know the challenges that a female mind and body goes through to be able to bear children. It is not a journey that everyone may want to undertake. As a woman I do feel for the victims and the disabled and what their mental makeup could be due to their own agony. How can we force a way of life on them ! As a woman I feel that this is a pre-conceived judgement that is not just unfair and reeking of inequality, I also feel while women have silently and patiently nurtured, loved and sustained life for generations this is just putting them through a fire test they did not sign up for.

I do hope a constitutional amendment at some point will come through and on that optimistic note I sign off for this time. 

Life - Fluid as a river

Life is strange and unpredictable. That probably is the most cliched sentence to start my post with. Yet, there is no other opening line to describe what I am about to pen down. 

My last visit to Lucknow had me see a hopeful Little Springsteen but worried doctors. His physical condition was improving but not his blood reports. The doctors were worried. They also told Bruce the same. Yet four days ago we felt the blessings of the Benevolent One when we could move Little Springsteen into a room. No ICU, no HDU but a private room. What progress!

As we were rejoicing I got to know that the gentleman who had toiled to get Little Springsteen admitted into KGMC, had helped organise doctor calls for us and had personally visited Little Springsteen as frequently as he could, had passed away due to a sudden heart ailment. I was stunned and shocked. He was hail and hearty, had complained of high blood pressure and then was admitted to the hospital. For two days he was apparently on a ventilator and then it was over. Here, our little fighter has been braving through suffering and pain and has beat all odds! How the tables turned! 

This morning we discussed the fact that doctors were thinking of a discharge and so we needed to find a place for Bruce and Little Springsteen to stay in Lucknow, until such time that the wound would be stitched. That was thought through and options lined up by the evening. A video call the day before had shown a smiling Little Springsteen now sitting up on his own from the lying down position. All of these were tremendously positive signs. Lots to be grateful for!

Suddenly my phone rang at about 9:00pm and it was Bruce calling. I did think it was not his normal calling time as this is when the father and son eat. Apparently, he had left Little Springsteen sitting on the bed to go wash his hands so that he could feed dinner to the little one when all of a sudden the wound started to bleed. Bruce came back to a blood soaked bed sheet. He ran for the nurse and then wore gloves, opened the dressing and pressed the wound to control the bleeding. The attending doctors were just on their way out for dinner. It was a Sunday afterall. But this happened so they rushed to the room. Giving me this update Bruce hung up. I messaged the treating doctor. Luckily, salutations to the Benevolent One, the treating doctor happened to be on site. He messaged me with the information. And then I waited. An hour and some later, the doctor himself messaged that all was under control but due to the blood loss Little Springsteen was back in ICU. How circumstances shifted again... temporarily though, I am fervently praying! 

So yeah, strange are the ways of life and unpredictable are the ways of the Universe. I am praying for a speedy recovery for Little Springsteen, some respite for Bruce and for all our prayers to be heard! May the Lord have mercy.