Music, Madan Mohan & Me

The last few weeks have been tough for assorted reasons. The one thing that got me to unwind and get ready for the long back to back days was music; especially the old Bollywood classics. As the rough patch started to ease, I got back into the rhythm of practicing and singing. I first started with a few chosen Raag Yaman songs, then it was Taal Keharva, this was followed by Rafi melodies, which preceded Kishore da renditions and finally today I was hooked on to the legend that Madan Mohan was. 

While I have to admit that my appreciation that the legend that Madan Mohan peaked when I fell in love with "Tere liye" from Veer Zara, some of his songs have been childhood favorites. "Zara si aahat hoti hai" by sung by Lata Mangeshkar, "Teri Aankhon Ke Siva" by Rafi and "Tum Jo Mil Gaye Ho" a Lata and Rafi duet are not just pure gold but are terrific examples of Mandanji's versatility. 

Born in Baghdad, he breathed his last in Bombay at a very young age of 51. However, in that time he gave music to about 100 movies and for singers that ranged from the gazhal maestro Talat Mahmood to the effervescent Kishore Kumar. His partnership with the Nightingale is the reason we are blessed with melodies such as "Baiyyan Na Dharo", "Aap Ki Nazaron ne Samjha" and "Ruke Ruke se Kadam". The list is endless. 

It's not just the pathos and the depth that his music had which differentiated him, or that he used the influence of gazhals and classical music seamlessly; but it was his ability to weave all of this deftly with the lyrics and mood of songs across movie genres such as war (Haqeeqat) or tragedy & romance (Mera Saya) or haunted spirits (Woh Kaun Thi). That is the sole reason that every song of Dastak is unforgettable and even an amateur like me has to sing every song of Woh Kaun Thi. If songs were a weave, warp and weft of these melodies would leave even the most talented weaver struggling for years to understand how to get the craft right! 

As I was going through his body of work I realised that as far as lyricists go, about 50% of his work is with three - Raja Mehdi Ali Khan, Kaifi Azmi and Rajendra Krishna. In fact both Mera Saya and Woh Kaun thi are Mehdi Ali Khan babies as is Anpadh. I will admit that Anpadh is maybe as an album not at the same pedestal as the other two but who can forget the overwhelming love that is poetically and profusely expressed in "Aap Ki Nazaron Ne Samjha"! 

And that took me back to a discussion I had with a music expert many years ago. During a conversation I mentioned that while the melodies of Veer Zara were honey sweet, the soul haunting song in the album was just one - "Tere Liye". It was only this that compared to all the gems mentioned above. The expert highlighted to me that it was because it was this song that paired the right raag, the right melody with the right lyrics. It was the perfect pairing that created a masterpiece which touches the depths of the listener's heart each time and every time without fail. 

And so as I switch from humming "Zara si Aahat" to "Aapki Nazaron Ne Samjha" to "Tere Liye", I thank the legendary Madan Mohan for leaving behind this treasure trove of melodies which are soul food for music lovers and a blanket of comfort for one and all. 

On that note will call it a night! Have a good one peeps! 

It's The Small Things

The last few weeks have been a reminder on how it is the small things that really help make or break just about anything - relationships, work processes, safety of people and security of assets. The big things everyone takes care of, but it is the neglect of the small things that adds up to create that one big event that maybe could have been prevented. 

I will not be cryptic anymore. To start with, I will take a personal example. Walking with my sister on a particular day I felt a twinge in my ankle. We were out to run eraands and I was in New York, not where I live. So I ignored it as I did not want to be a burden. The next day, out for lunch the ankle really started whining so I told her to slow down and then again ignored it. When we reached home that evening for a dinner with cousins I opened my shoes to find the darned joint swollen. It was at this point I remembered the suffering of an old ankle ligament tear and the six weeks I had spent in case. So mortified of being there again, I started to ice, elevate and took anti inflammatory as I have never been prescribed before. Fortunately in this case it was not too late but it did take some joy out of the trip. Only if I had paid attention on day one! And while my doctor back in India has given me a clean chit he has also advised to stay away from the heels. Now you see, I do not know if that is a BIG thing or a small thing. Till I make up my mind I am going with three days a week with heels. Vanity may just get me but what can I say....

The above is probably no harm no foul. What I faced next is major. So I had lent a mobile to a friend who was visiting India. Not a sim card but only the mobile. Data was erased and it was practically empty. As he was leaving the country he said he would leave the handset with the conceirge at the hotel and I could pick it up. When I did, I strangely found that the handset was unlocked. I enquired and he mentioned that as this was a temporary device and not his, he had not warranted to create a digital lock. Not what I would have done but ok. I once again erased the phone and put it away. A couple of days later the same friend called telling me that he was getting lewd emails with India contact numbers. I was stunned. We were trying to understand how someone got his email address when I realised that his phone, out of his custody was with the conceirge. Was there any chance that his mail ID had been active on that? Bingo! There. A small act of oversight created nuisance for him!

This still is potentially being left a little too easily. I think its the next one that is keeping me awake this Sunday night. Sunday before last was our building had its AGM followed by lunch. As this clashed with a pooja at home the AGM had to be skipped. However, after the AGM I insisted on finishing my work and then going down for lunch. Well I would miss meeting those who would leave early but at least I would meet the others. So I attended to what I thought was important and then made my way to the lunch. It was a delightful event and it was so good to be meeting everyone, so freely, after all this time. What I did not realise was that I had lost my last opportunity to meet with one of our residents, a jovial individual who would always smile and have a conversation. Suddenly yesterday he passed away due to a heart attack! Within thirty minutes it was all over! And I had the chance but I lost it. 

It was a small thing to have met my neighbours but it became a big thing today. The big thing of two weeks back I now realise I would have anyway taken care of as it was BIG. But in the bargain that I made the small thing cost me more. So as I am trying to sleep, I am trying to tell myself that maybe its the small things that really do matter and I need to be more attentive towards them. 

Adios amigos and may you all have a great week ahead!

The season of festivals

It's that time of the year when the festivals start coming one after the other, bringing in loads of childhood memories and wisdom of adulthood. Typically festivals are associated with revelry, food and prayers. I enjoy all that and the beautiful flower arrangements that adorn temples and entrances. Yet as the years have gone by, it's the learnings of the festivals that has stood out most for me. 

Let me start with Janmashtami, the festival that marks the beginning of all major festivals of the Hindu calendar. This festival falls in the Hindu month of Shravan on the eighth day of the waning moon cycle. I am smiling as I am writing this, because this maybe confusing even for those who follow Janamashtami. The Hindu calendar is a lunar calendar and has two halves of a fortnight each - the waxing moon cycle and the waning moon cycle. The month of Shravan is the monsoon month put very liberally and it's so apt as legends have it that Lord Krishna was born on this day to be welcomed by a torrential downpour. 

Before I get into the learnings of Janamashtami, let me share the revelries around this time. As children we would begin celebrating eight days in advance by preparing unique and diverse tableaus each day. Usually we would use vegetables on day one, fruits on day two, colours on day three, our toys on day four, fabric on day five and ultimately flowers on day eight. It was a community affair. More recently my paternal grandmother used to lay out a tiny swing and on it she would get her little Krishna to sit and swing him gently while singing sweet bhajans. Her devotion was unparalleled. She was the one who regaled my childhood with the glory of Kanha, as Krishna is fondly called. 

The Benevolent One was the one to acquaint me with the learnings from Krishna's life. He called him जगत गुरु, or the Guru of the Universe. As a Guru, Krishna showed how to navigate the most complex and tumultuous situations in life with grace and dignity. He was born in a prison where his parents were apprehended by his maternal uncle, he grew up away from his biological parents, had multiple attempts at his life from infancy, had to kill his own maternal uncle and was cursed that his entire lineage would vanquish. Yet, despite all these extremities he maintained his grace, fought for righteousness, helped all those who came to him and ensured that he kept his promises. In fact it was to enable the reign of righteousness on the planet that he imparted the knowledge of Bhagwat Gita to Arjun and impressed upon him that his duty was to fight a war with his own cousins. It was this war that got him cursed by the mother of slain Kauravas, who while in the wrong all the while were nonetheless a hundred dead sons of a mother. The grief of losing a hundred sons pushed Gandhari to curse Krishna that the Yadu dynasty would perish and so it did. Krishna paid a price for his life's mission from infancy, a price that was too steep. If only we could stick by our ideals and our values to even ten percent of this, the world would be a better place...

Closely following Janamashtami is Ganesh Chaturthi, a beautiful celebration of communities and families coming together to pray and bond. To be honest this is more of a tradition in Maharashtra, Goa, Andhra Pradesh and to some extent in Karnataka and Gujarat. In rest of the country it's a low key pious festival. This fourth day of the Shukla Paksh (waxing moon phase) of the Bhadrapad month marks the birth of Lord Ganesh, the God of clearing all obstacles and the giver of all joy, intellect and spiritual powers. In 1893, the great Lokmanya Tilak or Bal Gangadhar Tilak, organised the large public celebration of Ganesh Chaturthi as an attempt to unite Indians in the fight against the British. So on Ganesh Chaturthi, Ganpati idols were installed in large pavilions and for ten days communal prayers were performed and a strong atmosphere of oneness was formed. On the tenth day, a day before full moon, the idols were immersed in water marking the disappearance of all obstacles. 

This tradition has continued and expanded in the states mentioned above to the extent that no political rally, no other procession, no celebrity and no occassion can ever see the huge disparate crowds as those that gather for bringing of Lord Ganesh into the pavilions and then taking the idol for immersion. Today the idols are made of clay once more after less environmental friendly materials ruled the roost till a few years ago. Climate change is foremost on minds of those celebrating and it's not just Hindus but people across religions who invite people home as their special friend graces homes on his annual retreat! There is no other festival that exemplifies unity even today more than Ganesh Utsav. There is no other festival that gets people to pray and thank together like these ten days. There is no other festival that humbles the soul with devotion as this. If only we could stay as united, grateful and grounded the whole year round, the world would be a better place...

Soon after we bid goodbye to Ganpati with a promise to see him next year, the time to celebrate the nine form of feminine supremacy arrives. Navratri, literally the nine nights, is the most important festival in the east and the west of the country where the Goddess is the prime deity. Nine forms of the Goddess are prayed to over a nine day period with nightly dance offerings, cultural events and food being cooked, served and eaten in large public gatherings. This time these gatherings are colossal and grand in West Bengal, Gujarat and Delhi with some grandeur being seen in cities with large Gujarati and Bengali population. Each day has a colour that goes with it and devotees attempt to adorn finery in these colours. Preparations for cultural performances in West Bengal and with Bengalis across the world start months in advance. In Gujarat and with Gujaratis it's time to buy their best ethnic wear and win in the large dandiya (a traditional dance) competitions held across the globe once again. In Mumbai I have seen large markets selling traditional wear in a range of colours and all dandiya revellers buy these anew, each year, every year! 

For a country that the world sees as not women friendly, this season is the season when we not only worship the feminine but also acknowledge that without the feminine the masculine is incomplete. That it's Shakti (the feminine, energy) that nourishes Prakriti (the masculine, nature). That while the feminine can procreate and sustain, it can also challenge evil and destroy. There is nothing that the feminine cannot attempt and succeed at. Each of the nine forms of the Goddess are prayed to provide the devotees with the nine boons to live a complete and fulfilled life. It's true that we have come a long way in our appreciation and empowerment of women, but it's equally true that a lot still needs to be done. If we could only see ten percent of the Goddess in the women around us, the society would be a better place...

The day after Navratri ends is the day of Dussehra, a day that marks Lord Ram's victory over Ravana and hence the day that celebrates a victory of the good over evil. Through Navratri, while the east and the west have their celebrations, in the north of the country there are preparations for Dussehra that are also underway. One of the biggest features of this is the enactment of the story of Ramayan at large public gatherings on open stages, called Ramleelas. Contrary to the ethos of Navratri, the Ramleela troupes have men playing the role of women. Of course this too is slowly evolving. As the troupes are not professionals most often the Ramleela rehearsals once again bring communities together, and even where professionals perform families go together to view the play through out the nine days. On the tenth day the character of Lord Ram burns an effigy of Ravana, marking the demon's defeat. This is an event where as children we would clap, jump, hoot and celebrate. Candy floss was eaten at the Ramleela ground and story of Ramayan told again and again. 

Ravana was amongst the most intellectual beings of his era. Whether it was the scriptures or music, whether it was the art of war or economics, whether it was architecture or medicine; he was a know it all. He was the foremost devotee or Lord Shankara and so accomplished that the Lord entrusted him with composing the Vedas to ragas. Sadly, his accomplishments were shadowed by his lust, arrogance and greed. It was this that led him to kidnap Goddess Sita who was married to Lord Ram. While the Lord made attempts to convince him to release the Goddess, Ravana believing that he was immortal challenged the Lord and that led not just to his downfall but that of the entire Kingdom of Lanka. If only we could all recognise our shortcomings and just ten percent of the times not give in to avarice, cravings and our ego, the world would be a better place...

The season of festival finally ends with the grandest of all festivals, Diwali or Deepavali. This is the festival of lights which marks the return of Lord Ram to Ayodhya with Goddess Sita after a fourteen years exile at the end of which Ravana was killed. It is celebrated twenty days after Dusshera and falls on the no moon night of the Hindu month of Kartik . In the south of the country the day is celebrated one day prior to mark the victory of Lord Krishna's consort Satyabhama's victory over the demon Narkasura. While both underlying reasons are different, the festival is celebrated by lighting of lamps, cooking feats, buying of new clothes and cleaning of homes. Gifts are exchanged both personally and professionally, and this is a public holiday across the nation. Offices and homes in the north also start their new financial year with prayers offered to the Goddess of wealth Laxmi. It's my absolute favourite festival and one that since childhood has involved flower garlands, rangoli (colourful patterns created on the floor outside homes and temples), lots of diyas and best of traditional Marwari food. I wait every year, even today, for Diwali to arrive. 

Diwali to me marks the day where the Lord kept his promise to his father at great personal discomfort and suffering. It marks the day when his younger brother relinquished overseeing the governance of the kingdom as the rightful ruler was back. It marks the day when all personal differences are forgotten and families come together. If only, through the year we could have ten percent of the integrity, honesty and dedication that Lord Ram and his brothers had, the world would be a better place...

These festivals are not just learnings and celebrations but they define a way of life that has been handed down generations. There are underlying deep associations with each one. In our more modern lifestyle we choose to overlook this and get consumed in our own materialistic pursuits. I do believe that a step back and a thought given will help us realise the value that we have been handed. It definitely will help us enrich our lives and in the process maybe leave a better planet for generations to come. 

On that hopeful note, this is an end to a long post and wishing everyone a happy weekend. 

A Life Worth it All

Last evening as I logged on to Twitter to track the CoVid cases in Mumbai, I came across the news of the sad demise of Anshu Jain. I never worked with him nor did I have the opportunity to meet him. But still the news hit me.

As a newbie in London having just started as a banker in 2004, the rise of Anshu Jain to being named the co- head of Deutsche Bank Investment Banking was a huge motivation. He was only 39 and a non German speaking individual. Well if he could break the "glass ceiling" as an Indian woman I felt I could too. In fact he also started out in the field of derivatives and that being my chosen path as well made his success even closer to me. 

A few months after Jain had taken his position, I met with a trader who was fairly close to him. I heard about his passion for the business and the many hours of hard work he put in. This individual spoke about how he had fierce loyalists in the bank, who were not just supporters because he was responsible for their successes and achievements but also because he generously shared his personal space and formed bonds. It was the first time I had heard of such fan following in the banking world and that created an impact on me. While hard work and pouring my everything into my job was a part of me, I began to observe people more after I heard about Jain. The leaders who created an impact, I guess that is what I was trying to learn. 

As my career progressed I kept following Jain. His ouster from Deutsche Bank was acrid. It raised far too many questions, on both sides, for me. Yet the one thing that I observed was how he bounced back. Not just with Cantor Fitzgerald but by starting InCred in India. He may have been designated as the advisor, but one look at the management team and one saw ex Deutsche Bank all across. It was him that was the pull and certainly the vision. That he continued to create an impact in the financial industry truly showed the grit of the man and that was reiterated when I read that he outlived the doctor's prognosis by 4 years! Trust Anshu Jain to do the never done before! That's what his life was about! 

Having had the above thoughts just yesterday, I woke up this morning to read that another financial industry stalwart in the country had passed on. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala was at the launch of Aksa Air just last week. I am not sure how many knew of his illness though many knew that he had multiple ailments. Yet his public appearances were always filled with optimism and a child like enthusiasm. I remember once attending a conference around 2010 where he was speaking. Someone asked him his take on the international investors' stance towards India and he in a very Rakesh Jhunjhunwala style said ," They need us more than we need them." As a banker this confidence was both refreshing and over reaching at that time. But it made me dig deeper into the reason for his conviction and value investing is something I started to appreciate tremendously.

What happened to the world of music with Lataji and then Pandit Sharma seemed to have happened to the world of financial services in the last two days. None of us can escape the universal truth that is for sure but it's only some of us who live on even beyond our mortal remains with a population larger than just our near and dear ones. Those of us who do, do so not only because of fame, accolades and success but also because of the impact made on the lives of others. That is a legacy that is difficult to beat. 

Many years ago, in one of my first leadership development courses, I was part of a cohort that was asked to design their tombstone. It was a very powerful exercise but that is for another post. I took all the time that we were allotted. Yet I could not come up with anything that sounded "cool". All I came up with was, "the one who made a difference". Today I realise that early influencers in my life from the Benevolent One to my parents and then to my professional influencers from Kong to Anshu Jain to many others after that have been influencers because they made a difference. Subconsciously, that defined me as an individual and created my brand. For that I am tremendously grateful. 

To be able to help someone, to be able to provide comfort someone and to be able to help someone achieve their dreams; the opportunity to contribute thus is made available to the fortunate I believe. As the Benevolent One once told me, "those who love should never be sad because there is so much joy in giving and only the generous can." I did not appreciate it then but I hope that now I can embrace and implement it. Father once said, "if we have been given the means and resources, it's not just for our benefit but to be shared with those who are really in need." He and mother have always exemplified this in action, multiple time over many many years. Kong showed me how much he cared when he took away my phone to stop me from reacting to a work situation from a position of fear. Anshu Jain showed that a leader could be a task master and yet a strong personal guide. Rakesh Jhunjhunwala exemplified how to simplify the most nuanced lessons so that everyone could benefit from deep learnings he had acquired. 

As the two days have once again shown the impermanence of life, I look back at all my good fortune and am indebted for the blessed opportunities I have had and the people in my life. I also sincerely hope that with all these influencers in my life I can live up to being a small percentage of these stalwarts in terms of the people that they are. Where once my professional ambitions were moon high, today it's my personal dreams that take precedence. And as none of us know when our time will come, I hope that while I realise all my personal dreams I can also really start living a life that will make a difference. 

On that note I pray that the almighty grant eternal rest to the departed souls and may He grant long and healthy lives to the influencers in my core circle. With that prayer it's a wrap for today. Have a great week ahead! 

Being Me - Another Weekend Thought

Yesterday as I was making my way out of a lunch meeting I saw a familiar face. An old client from my banking days. I had not met him in years and so walked up to him and said hi. With my mask on he took a minute and then exclaimed, "it has been years! Where have you disappeared?" As I mentioned that I had left banking and moved to manufacturing, he mentioned that he knew about my career to date and a "common friend" keeps mentioning me. I was surprised at this. I think I know the common friend but the fact that he knew my career journey was a surprise. I was humbled. With a promise of meeting soon I left, a promise I intend to keep. 

As I was driving away I could not help but think when is it that I have remembered people and followed their careers even if they have not been in touch. My own experience has been that it was when someone made an impact on me. Take Kong for example. I have written about him before but it is important to mention him once more. Kong had a deep impact on me because he cared. As a newbie in banking and in London he cared about how I grew as a professional and groomed as an individual. A German lawyer, he was almost like my self appointed Indian older brother. He was the one who helped me navigate tricky situations at work, got me books to widen my reading genre and he also encouraged me to focus more on my own brand. He was the first person who made me realise that each one of us is unique and our individual brands should be celebrated. I may not be in touch with him regularly but I follow his moves. Social media just makes that so easy! 

With the above realisation I was forced to think what did I do that made this client remember me. The only incident that comes to mind is the point at which I expressed my concern on one particular clause in the terms and conditions. Detrimental to the investors, as it was drafted, the clause enabled the investee company to sell some of their assets without the investor consent. It was not a straightforward verbiage but on close reading that's what it delivered. I brought this up multiple times, however, as we were short on time and given the trust between the investor and the company the decision was not to contest. Still uncomfortable but having done my bit I closed the transaction. Low and behold, a couple of years down the line the company used the clause to their advantage! I am not sure what transpired between the two parties pre and post exercise but I personally did feel that the "trust" was misused. 

Maybe it was that or maybe it was something else but the fact that he recollected me and knew my current whereabouts made me realise once more the value of authenticity and my own brand. The one mantra that I have always followed has been to be authentic and honest in all my dealings. If I feel strongly about something I say it out loud even if it is not what "should" be said or what is "expected" to be endorsed. Professionally, on occasions it has put me in a deep minority (as if my gender did not already do that) and earned me flak of pointing out the elephant in the room. However, I have slept well knowing that I maintained my integrity. Personally, this has had me face some hurt and yet the scars are reminders that I was generous and giving. On one single occasion, only that once, where my authenticity and honesty hurt someone else I feel terrible to this day but I know that the days of hurt saved years of pain.  

So with that said I start the long weekend celebrating the opportunities that I have been granted to become an authentic and honest individual and I hope that I can continue to conduct myself with integrity and compassion even in future. 

A weekend thought

It has been the most interesting cab ride in a long time and probably the only one where the post ride mind was lost in thought. As I hailed a normal black and yellow cab to get to work this morning, there was a lot on my mind. I was trying to answer messages and emails so that I could get into problem solving as soon as I stepped into the office. But when I told the driver where to go and then started to explain, he said to me 'tell me the name of the building and it will suffice. I have been driving a taxi for 34 years now.' True to his word he knew not only my office building but all the adjoining ones by name and in some knew which organisations were housed.

However, what made this an intersting journey was not his remark about just wanting the building name. From there on a conversation started which gave me details of his daughter's recent wedding where he spent INR 12 lacs and on how a large part of that went towards a washing machine, clothes, jewellery etc; all of which his daughter wanted. A Muslim man, he exclaimed, he was blessed that a Hindu boy who was his elder son's friend had gifted him a cooler which is also something his daughter desired as a part of her gifts. He felt that he had been treated kindly by the world and was grateful that despite struggles that he faced, there were those he could count on. His thankfulness was refreshing. 

As we were nearing my office, his stories over, he asked me a question. He wanted to know when was I the most let down by someone. I thought for a while and said it was when someone with a lot of means had fought unfairly for their material gains and then denied a well earned small bonus to someone whose income was about one twentieth of theirs! Accepting my response he went on to ask me when did I think I was treated most insensitively by someone. And he wanted to know further if this was something I would call insensitive even if I handed the same behaviour to any other human being. This was an interesting question and I did not have an immediate response as we were standing in the porch of the building. He left me saying the day we would meet again he would like to hear my response. 

I first began to wonder if I had treated him with disdain, arrogance, unfairly or unjustly. I realised my conversation was polite, I courteously listened to his stories and had paid him an upward rounded fare. So I was certain that he was not pointing towards me but given the flow of our interaction it was more his idea of understanding people. And so I began to think of what treatment by others made me feel that they have been insensitive and I would not like to do that to anyone because I would not like them to feel as hurt as I felt. 

At the end of the day, on my journey home, the answer came to me. The most insensitive treatment has been the silent treatment and that is something I never ever dish out, not even to those who hurt me the same way in the past. The first time it was done was by a close friend. He just did not call back and then took shelter under the excuse of a lot of work. I explained to him that it was insensitive and especially as I had requested he call back because I needed help. He apologized but then the same occured on a number of other occasions. While I decided not to rely on this friend for help anymore or for him to be there, I still return his calls and messages. To date I have always told him that his silence on multiple occasions was insensitive and that made me take my call of not relying on him. He says to hear this hurts him but I would rather be honest than give him the silent treatment. At least it gives him calrity and a fair chance if he wants one.

Similar instances with acquaintances have also occured where they have just been silent and not communicated and then sprung out of the blue wanting a familiar conversation. I have responded, always. Sometimes with firmness and sometimes with a casual response but always with empathy. I do not believe that any human being we interact with, for some period of time, with some common agenda deserves the silent treatment.

Communication is the way the natural ecosystem flourishes. And while silence communicates more than it does not, it also is a blatant dismissal or a very in your face ignoring of another human being which is neither compassionate nor empathetic. I would not give that to anyone and the instances that I have faced this have been the times I felt treated the most terribly. 

So as the weekend commences I vow to communicate and interact with my friends and family because they mean the world to me. And it's only my actions devoid of silence that can let them know this. Have a good one all!

Finding Faith

“When we give in to love, we take charge of our lives. When we give in to fear, we lose control of our lives. So do not fear but continue your journey and you will find your destiny.”  At a very young age, when I feared venturing into the unexpected, a teacher had told me this. It helped me on a journey where I began to understand myself more and could spend the time when I had very few friends with great ease.   But then as years went by, I began to understand the deeper meaning of this phrase.

The starkest moment when this phrase became the tipping point in my life was in the early 2000s. I had been struggling to find a job. Many an interview had come and gone. I was working hard, and I was persistent. Yet fear had started to get the better of me; what if I had to return home…what if I had to lean on the family to find a job…what if…My confidence had taken a beating and I was at the lowest of the low points in my life. At that point in my life, I was the recipient of the generosity of two friends who had kindly allowed me to share their living space even though I could not contribute to the rent. Having grown up in an all women house, this was a new situation for me and added to that was my job situation. I was miserable and for the first time in my life I was not sure where my dreams and heart had led me to. Maybe I was just being a romantic!

In a tormented state of mind, I walked along the Thames, and stared across at the lit Westminster. As dusk turned into night the reflections of the Parliament suddenly made me remember what the teacher had told me long ago. It got me thinking and I began to feel some pride. I had been brave to move to a completely unknown country and work from scratch to find myself a job. Just as I was starting to feel a bit worthy, L called. She was going to visit her mother and I was free to stay at her apartment for the weekend. What a blessed opportunity of privacy! I grabbed it with both hands!

I will always be grateful to L for she was the third person to support me through that tough period. Anyway, Friday evening I entered L’s cosy and warm apartment intent on soaking in a hot bath. But as I started to run the bath I desperately desired a book. That evening I just wanted to read and listen to music as I pampered myself. Walking over to L’s bookshelf I came across The Alchemist, a book that has been my go-to for almost ever now. I grabbed it and in the bath opened it at random. As I read the words in front of me, I felt as if they were meant only for me. The following is what I read, “before  a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along the way. It does not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we’ve learned as we’ve moved toward the dream. That’s the point at the which most people give up. It’s the point at which, as we say in the language of the desert, one dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon. Every search begins with beginner’s luck. And evert search ends with the victor’s being severely tested.”

Munching my dinner of grilled halloumi and corn I remember feeling grateful for those words to have appeared. I had given in to fears and had forgotten what it was like to be open to love and opportunity. The following Monday I had the interview which I converted into a job and as they say the rest is history.

But why am I writing this today? Because I woke up with a feeling that the world is becoming an unsafe, unhappy and intolerant place. What with the Copenhagen mall shooting, the assassination of Padma Vibhushan Shinzo Abe, the Russia – Ukraine war etc. The family health issues have been a nagging worry for some weeks now and it seems that since Little Springsteen had his accident, health of family members has needed attention. And then there are other issues that have been simmering at the back. These past weeks, for all of the above reasons, have been now I realise more focussed on my fears than the love and faith that has always helped me navigate and find happiness.

The most recent example is my strong belief that Little Springsteen would make it back home. Yes there were many touch and go moments and there was all the agony that my little angel went through. And yet he is home, now even writing with his feet, already! His treatment is not over but this is the time for him to gain strength and then we go to the prosthetics but what victory! He was in the hospital for sixty days and of that forty in the ICU having undergone multiple surgeries! But I was always confident he would make it and he did! So today I am closing the doors on my fear and inviting my love and faith to guide me once again. As said the Alchemist, “Everything is written in the Soul of the World and there it will stay forever.”