If I say it's the end of an era, I will probably be repeating the sentiments of the entire family. But for me it's truly the end of the era of selflessness, elegance, will power, dignity and giving. And nothing can ever replace Nani's (grandmother's) laughter. Nothing will ever feel as her saying beta (my child) did. Nothing will create the mischief in me as the intent to pull her leg. Nothing will ever replace the memories and impressions she has left behind. She taught me self reliance, made me capable of handling everything from the needle to the ladle and led by example on how to be resourceful.
So as I see her missing from amongst all of us at the dinner table, I am left asking why did she leave. The adult and mature me sees how years of her suffering have ended and she is in a better place. But the granddaughter in me wants her around for the so many more occasions that I need to celebrate with her. The granddaughter in me wants to hear her voice so that I can hear her joy and happiness at moments that I crave to share with her. The granddaughter in me wants her to hold my hand as I need to know that she has my back just as she did when I was a child...
But when destiny calls; desires, wants, requests and pleas are of no use. In an instant life changes. There is no choice given but just fait accompli. With all power, influence, might, expertise and wealth, you are left helpless and unworthy of effort. I certainly don't think it's fair to the ones left picking up, though it may be fair for those who have less to suffer. But then my views can't change reality and all I can do is accept and move on.
That is the toughest. To move on. She was a part of my dreams and there is a void that I don't know how to fill. One look at mother and masi (mom's sister), and I see their void bigger than mine. I keep my emotions intact because I can't let them breakdown. They are holding on strongly, one more than the other. One internalising and one expressing . One feeling bereft and the other cheated. One struggling and one searching.
The only time I lost control was when her last journey began. I wanted her to wake up. I did not want them to take her. I just did not know how to turn the clock back. But then I sank to the back and wiped my tears. I tried hard to regain control. I cannot overrule destiny and that is a limitation I must accept. So rather than controlling the circumstances I am attempting to control my own emotions. That's my great effort and my last tribute to my grandparents who are now all together in the heavenly abode.
I miss her. I miss them. I don't think I will ever stop missing them or talking about them. But I will try to imbibe their qualities and lead a life that they will be proud of...
